I don't even know if that is true but I imagine myself like a tornado. The inside of me is spinning so fast because it is in a small space and just like a dog chasing it's tail, I only have so far to go before what I want is right in front of my face again. Unfortunately so is my inadequacy to get what I want. It stares me in the face too many times a day.
It's like the hope eats me up inside because it is just out of my reach and I literally keep chasing it till I'm frustrated and exhausted.
And sometimes I get a teeny glimpse of what it would be to get it. I have moments of absolute confidence. Like last week when I went to the doctor and he told me that if I use a donor embryo I would have a 50% chance of success if I used one embryo and if I transferred two, I would have a 75% chance of success.
I ALMOST PASSED OUT. I teared up and it took all my power not to cry right there because I had so many questions to ask and didn't have time for an emotional break down. But I was DYING inside. HOW DID I NOW KNOW THIS OPTION EXISTED.
for me.
That is why when people say, "Adopt" I am not there. I don't see that as an option for me. I have done the research and for what I want, it is not an option.
for me.
Ok, so back to my tornado. Inside its like a whirlwind. I can't at all keep up.
On the outside I am running an art center. I am trying to keep my S#*! together. I am smiling. The world moves slower outside and people can actually see me, the things I do, the things I say, the actions I am taking to find my hope. It's slower and people can see it. They can't see the inside until I share it. So for the other people spinning inside, I share it.
Not sure anyone buys it but I am trying so hard. I never ever thought I would be doing this alone. And now that I am, I can't believe how lonely it is. It's not like I am some super strong, independent woman who wants to be a single mom. This is the last choice. The only choice I have left. and it is incredibly lonely.
for me.
The autumn wind by Yuehui Tang
