Redesigning Elena...excuse the interruption

Dear D,

I dont have any other way to communicate with you so I'm reaching out here...You don't know me other than my blog and your perceptions, and I dont know you other than what I hear, but I want you to know that I understand you are hurting. You may be stressed trying to keep your life normal for yourself and your kids and I can't imagine how hard that must be.  I believe you are a good person and you are reacting to the situation with anger and jealousy because it is natural.  I am going to ignore the things you say about me because I want to come from a place of compassion and I know that there may come a time in the future when we have to have contact and I want to alleviate as much uncomfortableness as possible.  It's a hard journey and I have been through it and I wish you luck.

Elena

Redesigning Elena...the traveling princess-artist-do-gooder (Part 3)

Im back at my desk after another fun weekend. I dont know how I get to have such an awesome life but I do!  On Wednesday last week I spent part of the evening doing art with some lovely ladies at Scripps Encinitas. These women are battling different types of Cancer and I got invited to teach them how to make jewelry.  Nothing feels better to me than this.  Making someone else happy with my art. These photos are from a different day a couple of months ago. These women were so sweet and some let me take their picture. (I had to get some photos, I am asian after all!)

and I printed these photos for them and mailed them to them. Two of them sent me thank you notes that I will cherish.

These women and their caregivers are going through something so much bigger than anything I have ever gone through and it was an honor to get to spend a little time with them teaching them something that might make their journey even the slightest bit better.

This taught me something else I really really really want....I want to make people happy with my art.  Whether I am selling my art, giving it away, teaching it, using it to raise money for worthy  causes, no matter what it is, I want this....

Redesigning Elena...the traveling princess-artist-do-gooder (Part 2)

What do I really really really want...

Part 1 was having this question asked of me and letting it sit for about a year... till Suzi Blu reminded me that I really really really want to make art.

And there are others who have helped me find my way....

My young friend Jesse. She is one of my best friends.  I have known her for like 8 years, since she was in highschool.  When I lived in Taiwan, she came to visit me and it was such a different time. When I left my husband, she was the first one to take me out and get me back to being me.


I knew when I left my husband that it was time.  I knew that if I did not leave I would end up cheating on him and I couldn't do that to him.  He deserved so much more than that. He deserved my respect and he always had it. Even though we were not right for each other, it was one of the saddest things I have ever lived through.

Jesse helped me realize that another thing I really really really want is to always come from a place of LOVE AND COMPASSION.  

I want to see the positive in people and treat them according to what I know is good about them and not according to how they might hurt me. To always know that "hurt people, hurt people" but that even the most miserable unhappy people have goodness in them. 

So I made some art and it made me feel good...

I have two "book clubs" that I run each month.  They are both based on creative idea books in the art and crafting industry. Each month we meet and and socialize and do crafty things.  And every 3 months we do a swap. This cycle we each made an ATC card with one letter. My letter was "F".  I was inspired by my new friend Fran Valera from Little Windows. An awesome resin company. I am super into resin right now and as I type this I have 4 pieces curing on my table! Fran is a super star so I had to have a nice shiny star on this piece!

and I made jewelry.  This one has more beads than the one a couple posts back. so its lays different but I like it still.  I made a bracelet to match with the leftover charms.  This piece has a "hidden mickey"!  Come on Disney fans! Tell me you think that is cool!

And then there is Sheila my personal Angel. She has been a huge part of why Charity Wings was able to stay afloat while I had my own personal midlife crisis.  She keeps me on track and makes me realize that I am not just Charity Wings. That I deserve to have a life outside of this organization and that if for some reason, I have to walk away from it, It will be ok.

She freed me up to find another thing I really really really want...I want to be more than Charity Wings. I want to get back to being known as a creative mind, teacher and a fierce friend.

I am so lucky...I am a super happy people. 

We interrupt Redesigning Elena for a quick indulgent post :)

Sometimes you are just a Happy People.

and sometimes it is because things happen that you never possibly expected and they are good.

Redesigning Elena...the traveling princess-artist-do-gooder (Part 1)

(This is going to take several blog posts but I promise it will be worth it.  Wait till you see!)

Which do I want to be associated with?

ALL OF THEM! I am finally at a point in my life, a year and half after leaving my husband and starting on this new journey where I am coming out of my fog and ready to find the answers to the question..."What do I really really really want?"

 

This is me and Melody Ross at Brave Girls Camp.  I went 4 times last year and it was a life changing experience. She asked us this question at camp about a year ago and I just about lost it trying to figure it out.  So I just let it go... and didn't answer it. And maybe since then it has been in the back of my mind and now, I am finally getting to it... "What do I really really really want?"

So, there are some people that have helped me figure this out.... Its going to take a few posts but I am going to document this journey...  It started with Melody and then a year later, it resurfaced with Suzi Blu.

Suzi is always trying to get me to do art. To share my art and teach my art. She pushes me to promote me...not just Charity Wings. She tells me I am an artist.


On the left is Suzi and I at the first event she helped me at. On the right is me and  Suzi on our way to an event where I got to help her!  I got to be Elena an artist 1st and charity do-gooder 2nd.  It was strange and nice and different.


Suzi helped me remember that I need to be me first.  And I will do my best work when I am feeding my creativity.  And when I keep my creative glass full, I can do amazing things for others.

Thank you Melody for asking the question.

Thank you Suzi for getting me started in answering it.

The first thing I really really really want is to have time to create art.

LOVE... lots of it!

I really love that I get to do what I love!

Running Charity Wings is a dream job for me.  I am not sure how long I will be able to do it for, but I am going to make sure I do my best every day.

and I love my little brother. He is definitely the best I could ever have hope for.  It was his bday this weekend.  He is a dork by the way. and he loves to wear my tiara.

and I love my mom. She took us our for Eric's bday and let us drink champagne!  I love Champagne!

and this is how much Eric and I love eachother! we were sitting across from each other. (we try not to touch each other if we can help it.) :) he was laughing at my upside down writing.  I thought it was pretty good. he is a show off and made his better.

and I love my new boyfriend.  yep I said it.  He is really  awesome :)

and I went for a run today! Yep! A Run! it was only like 40 minutes but it was a RUN!  and I never do that :)

 

See LOVE... Lots of it!

Im making decisions... hope I can stick to them!

Two things:

1) I was having a late night conversation with Jenny Doh at Inspired and through talking to her I came to the conclusion that I really really need to get some physical exercise going.  I feel like my body is just going to freeze up and stop moving.  I know that movement is life and if we stop stretching and using our muscles we get stiff and old and blubbery!  So that is where I am at... In my 39th year of life, I am going to try to get my movement back!


So yesterday I went for an hour and 1/2 speed walk on the beach in Encinitas.  My home town and my favorite place on earth!

2)  I decided that I want to get back into ART!!  I used to spend all day every day just scrapbooking and making things. I have not had this life in a long long time.  I miss it.  So here is a necklace I made for a new friend Celeste Black. I met her at Scrapbook Expo Orlando and she was wearing an awesome fabric necklace.  I was wearing one of my own creations and we oohed an ahhed over each others stuff! It was fun and we decided to trade art. So I made her this necklace and I hope she likes it!

Made a decision. Hope I can stick to it!

art art art! I have to make more!

BUT FOR NOW...
My darling friend Christa Krais designed an awesome badge for Charity Wings!   Do you love it??  I do!!

Charity Wings

And we are doing a giveaway on the Charity Wings blog...just for adding the badge to your blog or website...

Will you help me spread the word?

Where do I go from here?

How do I separate myself from Charity Wings/Scrapbook Royalty.  I need to somehow but don't know how. Its like the charity is my child that I literally birthed and I have no way to separate myself from it nor do I really want to.  It has taken over my life and my identity and I don't want to be lost in it.  But I also love what I do.

Money, I hate having to earn a living. and in the end I have to.

I think, after getting advice from two good friends, Suzi and G, that I have to go back to my art. I miss it. I miss making pretty things and crazy things. I get to once in a while but not much and I miss it!! I remember when my whole life was about making art.  And then it turned into a business and now... did I say I miss it?  I DO!

So how to get back to it?  I think the first step is coming.  I am scared that I am at another cross roads in my life but heck, I've been here before so here goes nothing!

I made this banner for Serendipity Studios. She made a kit to support Charity Wings...Im so excited about it!  Its not totally done yet but here is peek. Iwill figure out where you can buy it.  I added my own stuff and used wood as the base but the kits is super super cute!

It was crafty fun and I am so glad I took the time to do it!

I can't take it anymore...

The Japan 9.0 Earthquake and subsequent tsunami have me really sad these days.

There are more than 18,000 people dead.  I can't believe that.  What a horrible way to die and such a horrible way to lose your family and friends.

There are almost 1/2 a million people living in shelters!  I just can't believe it!!

But I have the power to do something so here is what I am doing...

CHARITY WINGS FOR JAPAN  (Im making a picture to go here) wait and see!

Would love your support.  I've created an opportunity for your to give... and you can win awesome stuff in the process.

Let's make a difference!

Do you know the way?

Some people are so sure they know exactly what you should do. Its so clear in their minds, what you need to do to make something happen.  but I am never

rain and rainbows.

So I have to tell you, I am really really lucky to have GK, JT, AB and SR as friends.  I thought I was going to die from anxiety yesterday.  I actually talked to these people almost all day. It was nuts. I alternated between crying, working and talking/crying on the phone.  I really thought I was losing it.  In the end everything came together and it was like I had 4 angels on my shoulders talking me down.

The conclusion is...

Somehow I have to make myself believe that I deserve to be happy. I know that happiness is a choice.  Even though I have made some mistakes I should still allow myself to have dreams.  I gave up for a while.  They were hiding.  Well, they seemed impossible really.  and I put myself in the place where they were not even a consideration anymore.

 


but today I feel like I can hope.
just a little.
and maybe tomorrow I will feel like I can hope a little more....

Baby steps.


 

it still gives me anxiety to think about it now.  It brings tears to my eyes just to feel the unknown take me over again.  I have to let go, let happiness happen if it is going to.

but I'm terrified.

happiness comes with pain and I just don't know how to go there again.  im trying.