I can't take it anymore...

The Japan 9.0 Earthquake and subsequent tsunami have me really sad these days.

There are more than 18,000 people dead.  I can't believe that.  What a horrible way to die and such a horrible way to lose your family and friends.

There are almost 1/2 a million people living in shelters!  I just can't believe it!!

But I have the power to do something so here is what I am doing...

CHARITY WINGS FOR JAPAN  (Im making a picture to go here) wait and see!

Would love your support.  I've created an opportunity for your to give... and you can win awesome stuff in the process.

Let's make a difference!

Do you know the way?

Some people are so sure they know exactly what you should do. Its so clear in their minds, what you need to do to make something happen.  but I am never

rain and rainbows.

So I have to tell you, I am really really lucky to have GK, JT, AB and SR as friends.  I thought I was going to die from anxiety yesterday.  I actually talked to these people almost all day. It was nuts. I alternated between crying, working and talking/crying on the phone.  I really thought I was losing it.  In the end everything came together and it was like I had 4 angels on my shoulders talking me down.

The conclusion is...

Somehow I have to make myself believe that I deserve to be happy. I know that happiness is a choice.  Even though I have made some mistakes I should still allow myself to have dreams.  I gave up for a while.  They were hiding.  Well, they seemed impossible really.  and I put myself in the place where they were not even a consideration anymore.

 


but today I feel like I can hope.
just a little.
and maybe tomorrow I will feel like I can hope a little more....

Baby steps.


 

it still gives me anxiety to think about it now.  It brings tears to my eyes just to feel the unknown take me over again.  I have to let go, let happiness happen if it is going to.

but I'm terrified.

happiness comes with pain and I just don't know how to go there again.  im trying.

With decisions comes a little rain

One decision down. 
Now I just have to deal with the consequences. 
My heart is so sad and I feel such a huge loss but I am doing the right thing for myself and I have to trust that.

If it is meant to be, it will.

There are so many things I need to decide on right now.  I have this vast open field in front of me and I just want to run in it and twirl and do cartwheels and play but instead I have to focus on the pile of wood that needs to be chopped and stacked, the bales of hay that need to be put out to feed the cute little piggies and the crazy dog that is barking and needing my attention.

Do I play? or take care of business.

Ok, so this is not my life, this is not even close to an analogy but yet, I can relate.  I feel like I have these never ending "chores" when it comes to making my life great.  And then I look around and I see that it is already great.  That what is happening is exactly what is supposed to happen right now.

That even though I feel lost and overwhelmed by the decisions I have to make,

whatever the decision is, it is what is meant to be.

This is how I make it through the day and face that field.