Sad Unicorn

I didn't know if I needed to post this, but then I realized I did.

Monday January 16th was supposed to be the start of my IVF cycle.  I have been doing all the last minute prepping and getting ready for what I have been so hopeful for.

I had stopped the BC pills on the 12th to regulate my cycle and I was supposed to have started my period. It had not come on the 16th which was suspicious.  When I got to the doctor's  for my baseline ultrasound, the nurse told me that I have 2 cysts, one on each of my ovaries. They are each about an inch long.  This is not good.  The cysts are likely from the "mock cycle" that we did to see if I can even carry a child.  So it had to be done, but this is the result.

They drew blood and sent me home.  I made it out of the doctor's office before the tears started coming.  This news was depressing to say the least.  More than that, it was frustrating.  Then, that afternoon I got the call.

My estrogen levels were at 1100. To put that into perspective, they want me to be at 100. The cysts are producing estrogen.  So I am back on BC pills to try to get the cysts to go back down.  I will be having another ultrasound on Jan 23rd.  Wish me luck.  I was so hopeful that my body might actually be capable of doing something it is supposed to do in regards to becoming pregnant. This set back, sets me back.

The weird things is, I had just written this blog post Saturday, and forgotten to publish it. I was so hopeful that day.  Weird.  Is this the brick wall slamming down for me to run into when things are going well?  I hope not. All I know is that right now, I am a sad unicorn.

The child in me.

I have always wanted to be a mother. I wasn't always ready, but I have always wanted it. When I was growing up, my plan was to be married and pregnant by the time I was 25.  So 20 years late and I am not where I thought I would be at all.

I don't know if other people do this, but when I wake up, the first thing I reach for is my phone. Addicted.  Yes. I admit it.  And the first thing I do is look at the Facebook On This Day post. I open it and start scrolling. Right now, it is Jan so its filled with photos of me at CHA and Art Venture.  Im dressed up and having a great time and doing my thing. I love seeing these pictures. 

But the photos I am looking for are the ones of Matthew and Jake.  If you knew me during that time, you will know it was the happiest time in my whole entire life.  I have never ever felt the kind of love that those two little boys gave me for 2 years. I will never be able to hate Matt because he let me mother his two small children and I got to feel what I was missing and fill that huge hole in my heart for a short time.  

So, at this point in my life. I have switched gears. From all of the sadness, depressed artwork and love of blood and pain, I am moving to my world of rainbows and baby unicorns and looking for a bright sunny sky.  The child in me loves this place.  The adult in me is teetering on the edge of a precipice, waiting to see if there really is going to be a child in me.  I don't know how far I will fall if this does not work. But I know that right now, I am very very hopeful.

This is My IVF Journey.

My name is Elena Lai Etcheverry and I am the Founder and Executive Director of Charity Wings Inc. I am on a journey trying to get pregnant and I am sharing this personal experience to hopefully help others know they are not alone, and to bring awareness to infertility and the one in eight couples that have trouble conceiving or sustaining a pregnancy.

Here is my story.




The cycle starts Jan 12th and the money is due in a few days.
If you wish to help, I will be forever grateful.

https://www.gofundme.com/ART-for-Elena

#findingelena #findingmyhope