The child in me.

I have always wanted to be a mother. I wasn't always ready, but I have always wanted it. When I was growing up, my plan was to be married and pregnant by the time I was 25.  So 20 years late and I am not where I thought I would be at all.

I don't know if other people do this, but when I wake up, the first thing I reach for is my phone. Addicted.  Yes. I admit it.  And the first thing I do is look at the Facebook On This Day post. I open it and start scrolling. Right now, it is Jan so its filled with photos of me at CHA and Art Venture.  Im dressed up and having a great time and doing my thing. I love seeing these pictures. 

But the photos I am looking for are the ones of Matthew and Jake.  If you knew me during that time, you will know it was the happiest time in my whole entire life.  I have never ever felt the kind of love that those two little boys gave me for 2 years. I will never be able to hate Matt because he let me mother his two small children and I got to feel what I was missing and fill that huge hole in my heart for a short time.  

So, at this point in my life. I have switched gears. From all of the sadness, depressed artwork and love of blood and pain, I am moving to my world of rainbows and baby unicorns and looking for a bright sunny sky.  The child in me loves this place.  The adult in me is teetering on the edge of a precipice, waiting to see if there really is going to be a child in me.  I don't know how far I will fall if this does not work. But I know that right now, I am very very hopeful.