Becoming a mother at 46 and the adventure of having a baby unicorn!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Let's get real for a minute

If I go more than a couple of days, I have so much I want to blog about and then I don't do any of it because there is so much to say.. haha!

But really... what I want to say is HELP!!

Charity Wings needs your help.  I need your help.

What is charity wings?  We raise money for other charities through art and creativity. 
What charities? Any registered non profit organization. PARTIAL LIST HERE
Why did I start Charity Wings? My goal was to tap into the crafting and predominately female community and design fundraisers based on things they love to do.  My idea was that if you get a group of women together doing what they enjoy and then make it for a good cause that you can raise money.  

This is the short version.  We have grown so much and now, anyone can contact us to raise money for a charity they support. We work with them to put on a unique and fun event.  Have we ever helped a charity you support?  I BET WE HAVE

"What we do is real. We are real people putting forth real effort to make a difference. We are not scientists searching for a cure, we are not overpaid executives directing the little people, we are the little people and we create real opportunities for people to do good things."
~yep! I said that :)

I have volunteered for Charity Wings full time ++ for almost 6 years, without paying myself.  Charity Wings has grown to the point where it needs employees.  Unfortunately, I am not able to volunteer anymore.  I have to take a salary. I've tried to make money selling handmade stuff, doing side jobs, teaching etc... it just doesn't work with a growing organization like Charity Wings.  It saddens me to have to look for ways to pay administrative costs and to have to hire people to do charity work but I have no other choice.  I have tried every way I can to not have this be the reality but it is, so now I am just putting it out there.  I need your help.

I have never asked for donations without giving something in return 
so when I knew I needed help, we came up with  

For an $89 tax deductible donation you will get over $89 worth of stuff!
LIVE from CHA details
  • beautiful Danita Art print, exclusive to Club TLC members, signed by Danita herself
  • a cool personalized membership card
  • a handmade charter member charm
  • LIVE from CHA for free!!

We will regularly offer ideas on good deeds you can do based on the different charities that are scheduled on our awareness calendar. 
Did you know that Jan is:
  • Cervical Health Awareness Month
  • National Glaucoma Awareness Month
  • National Birth Defects Prevention Month
  • Thyroid Awareness Month
  • American Heart Month
  • Library Lovers Month

 we will be giving you ideas on how you can help these great causes!  Club TLC is about being part of a community of creative people that want to do good deeds.  I truly believe everyone wants to do good deeds.  They just need a little push. Is this you?  Then please please join me.

Please sign up.  Please tell your friends.  

People think I'm an energy ball
but it's really the Rock Star!
If we can get the word out about this wonderful club, I can keep Charity Wings alive. All of you that have written me with praises telling me how much you admire what I do, asking how I have so much energy, expressing that I am doing amazing work.  All of those words keep me going but what I really need is for this amazing group of supporters that love what I do, to show your support by signing up for Club TLC.  

If just a fraction of the people I have touched in the last 6 years would sign up for Club TLC It would make all the difference in the world.

My mantra comes from Ghandi “Be the change you want to see in the world” This is how I live my life.  The acts we do may be small but they are mighty and as a community, we are unstoppable. 

Thursday, December 15, 2011

40 and still searching...

Well, I did it!  I turned 40 last week and it was a blast!  I have to say I got lots of advice about how the physical changes are hard but that the emotional and spiritual place is great.  I loved that.  The physical changes are hard.

I found a nice little grey hair yesterday. and pulled it thank you very much.  That makes 6 this year!  How many can I pull before I have to start dyeing it?

But besides all that, the parties were awesome. My Disney Birthday parade was great.  Santa Clause said happy birthday to me as he does every year :)  My family and friends were so generous.  I can't believe how lucky I am.

And the best advice I got?  was from my Yogi tea bag...


2012 HERE I COME!!!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The price of happiness- and my friend Jen Cushman in SD.

I have found in the last year that everything has a price.  Happiness and being a Happy People does not come free or cheap! What does it cost?  Lots and lots of hard, painful, tear-filled life lessons!

Matt and I had to fight our way to each other. Even though we went to Jr. High and High School together and our parents still live in the town we grew up in, we didn't know each other till just this year. Some of you know what ups and downs my life has had, nothing significantly different than the next person, but some days were filled with so much pain and depression I really did wish I was dead.  And I married the person that I thought I could make be my soul mate even though I knew in my heart that he wasn't and Matt did the same.  And it took all of that, all of those sad moments and happy ones to get us to where we are now. 

So...after paying some dues, I have finally found a person that is a perfect fit for me and it was all worth it.  He says things that I need to hear.  He looks at me with this look of pure adoration and I can tell that he just feels lucky to have found me.  I know its gag barf gooey sappy gross but I just love him.  

The past was an amazing gift to get me to now and the future looks blissful....

Now, on to what I got on my blog to write about... My awesome friend Jen Cushman is coming to town!!  She is teaching at the Charity Wings Seaside Soiree and she is doing a little bonus class the day before at Gee Gee's Stamps and Stuff in Carlsbad.

Look at the amazing samples she made.  You get to personalize them and make them your own.

I hope you can come!  11 am till 1 pm this Thursday.  Class fee is $50 + a $10 material fee which includes everything!

Ready, Set, Resin! 

Turn your eye for design into fabulous and unique jewelry. During class we will use handcrafted bezels, oodles of images, ICE Resin (a non-toxic  jeweler's-grade resin) and the most important tool of all -- your imagination to make a trio of resin pendants. Learn how to properly mix and pour a two-part epoxy resin, add color if you so choose, embed small objects like rhinestones or beads, how to work with a backless bezel and blinging it up with glitter. The images are idea samples of what you can create, but students will personalize their pendants to fit individual art style and tastes.
Jen is super super awesome and she is such a sweet person. I am so lucky Sheila ran into her on the shuttle bus at CHA and we all became friends!

Call the store to sign up. 760-729-1779 Seats are limited to 10 peeps!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Guest Curator on

Jenny Doh is an amazing influence in the art community and I am so lucky to know her.  When I first met her she was not what thought.   Her perfectly put together appearance and super super smart Asian brain may make her seem all business, or maybe she just seemed that way to me, but she is an incredibly soulful, generous, giving person.

Jenny and I at Brave Girls Camp showing how Asian girls know how to clean a plate!

I've had a few opportunities to hang out with Jenny and I have to say, each time I get to know her a little better and she completely destroys my preconceived ideas about who she is.  Well, if you know anything about her, it is kind of like meeting "art royalty"  :) she will die laughing when she reads this of course.

But in the end, she is someone that has really helped me with Charity Wings. Given me good advice, even made us one of the charities of choice for 2010 for her company

I encourage you all to check out this amazing site. Its full of stories, creativity and inspires me every time I visit.

This week I am one of the guest curators.  You can read my Art Saves story here...


please leave a comment if you have time :)

Friday, November 18, 2011

Its kind of a pull your hair out moment ....

 Its like I know that I am supposed to be running this organization and making a difference through what I do best but I can't seem to get others to understand what that is.  ha ha universe. funny joke... I'm not laughing really.

I just am not sure I am doing the right thing anymore.

I keep coming up with ideas and way to sustain this organization and I spend a ton of time and energy and other people's time and energy to put together these great plans that sound like they will work and be well received and we get all excited and a huge fire gets going but then....

(image: a tiny little wisp of smoke going up in the air)....

It makes me think that my ideas just aren't very good.

Please don't tell me it is the economy.  I know that budgets are tight but I see people spending money, big sums of money on things that they want. And its relative.  How many Starbucks are there in the world?  Seriously,  If you want it, you figure out how to get it.  That is the bottom line.  And because my events have the word "charity" tied to them, it is not at the top of too many lists.  Even though my events are awesome!  Or so people tell me, and they get tons and tons for the money they pay or donate.... but it just doesn't seem like enough.

And it makes me feel like I am not doing the right thing.

Im really confused. I wish I could live on good deeds alone.  I wish I could win the lotto.  Well, right now my wish is that enough people would support what I am doing and vote for Scrapbook Royalty click here:

so we can get $25k to keep this going till I come up with another big fiery plan!

Friday, November 11, 2011

I'm done hiding.

I unpublished my other blog because I was afraid of being judged or having certain people use it against me but I am done with all of that.

I have hope.  Hope does spring eternal.  I will be a Happy People no matter what.

And there is nothing anyone can do about it.

Want to know just how crazy deep it gets inside this little brain of mine?

I hope that you....

  1. DON'T JUDGE!  
But in the end, it is the one life I have and I love it so much.

and one of my favorite posts that still describes exactly how I feel...

Its just me. Human girl, trying to make all I can of this gift.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Happiness turned upside down

Its been 2 years since I left my marriage and started this journey. It feels like 2 years for sure. And for 6 years I found my happiness in my charity. And in doing charity work. I would work every day and till all hours of the night happily finding peace in giving.

Then for the last few months my happiness has gotten turned upside down.

You may think its a bad thing but its not! Instead of wanting to work all the time and get up and rush to my computer to start another day... I found that I wanted to be with my new boyfriend and spend time with him and be a part of his life.  There is something so fulfilling about having someone love you and say nice things to you and not judge you and not try to change you and let you figure out on your own how to be in a safe happy relationship.  How to be good to him while being good to yourself.  It doesn't come naturally I don't think.  I feel like for most of my life I tried to be one or the other- either good to the other person sacrificing myself. or sacrificing my relationship to stand strong and be who I am.  This strange realization that I can choose to be whoever I want, to believe whatever I want and to be happy... that happiness is in fact a choice... well, it has changed my life.

I turned my happiness inside out.  I like it.  I'm a happy people. Are you? 

Here is a picture of my happiness. and a photo  of a tag i did for a tag swap for my other book club.  I love that these clubs make me create! and they make me happy!

Monday, October 31, 2011


I think most people know I do love to dress up... Its a time to be anything you want. To be transported back in time or even waaaaay into the future.  I dressed in two costumes on Saturday.   Witch, and Bar Wench. It was fun.

And after all the craziness, of running around playing with kids and having fun... today I have a sore back and arms, I'm tired, and I'm back at work.

Ahhh..... 40 is gonna be great!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

It's Coming!!!- What is it?

It's been creeping up on me, I've been watching it through my finger tips and smiling at it and maybe inside my heart a little hoping it would go away. But I am ready for it.  Really I am....

THE BIG 4-0!!

I am trying to plan something really fun.  I am not sure what.  I know we will have fun at the dinner on Saturday night at Seaside Soiree.  and of course I will be at Disneyland on my actual birthday but the weekend after is when I want to get out of San Diego and do something different.  Anyone have any ideas?  hook ups :)?  or tips?  I need suggestions!!

It's Coming!!!

Here is a little tag I created for a swap with my OTB girls.  We are open for new members if you want to join us! Here is a link to all the fun :)

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

I want this!!

I love this!! I want to marry it!!  I want it sooo bad!!!

(the clock, not the sleeping lazy dude)

Thursday, September 22, 2011

What a great Harvest!

Harvest Festival that is!

It was our first time being invited to this really awesome event. Not exactly what we had planned but I met some amazing people, and I got to get to know some acquaintances much better so now I can really call them friends! I love it when that happens! When the universe does its' own thing and makes things happen one way so that other things can follow!

Monday, September 12, 2011

Be true...

its so easy to say and so hard to do.  Being true to yourself is a big journey. I'm going to try today to do exactly what will honor who I am and make me proud of who I am.  I am going to keep jealousy and negativity out of my heart. When I see it rear its ugly head, I am going to make a conscious effort to give myself an attitude adjustment.  I got good news from the doctor this weekend and I am going to make that my positive focus.  No, I'm not pregnant. :)  It's just good to know I am still normal and healthy.  A little two healthy maybe since my mom told me last night that my outfit made me look fat.  God love my mother! :)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Come on reality. Where are you?

I feel like I have been living in some alternate reality since my divorce.

Not because I am not a happy people. 
Not because I don't get up and work and play and go to bed just like everyone else. 

It's because for so long i feel like i have been looking for what i really really want. 

I have listed in previous posts some things that I really really want and they are all true. I just feel like something is missing.  I keep looking for this "thing" or "answer" to why I feel so incomplete sometimes.  I am not sure, but I think it has to do with the fact that I am constantly having to BE someone for someone else.  That it is so rare that I get to just be me.

Does anyone else feel this way?

And I don't mind being someone else here and there.  I think its the sales person in me that makes me a chameleon like that.  I was told a long time ago when I was working for Welcome Wagon, yes, Welcome Wagon, that I had the ability to talk to anyone and that made me a good sales person.  and I kind of like that.

And there are so many pressures around me all the time to
 do something with my life, 
to be a mother someday, to be a good friend,  to make my mother proud,
to  be happy. 

I think I might not have realized that what I really really want is to be myself and be happy with that. So living in this alternate universe where I don't always get to just be me, well, it makes it hard to just be me.

And blogging about this may not be the right thing to do because there are people that will read you blog just to find ways to criticize you.  But this is a good outlet for me, and I stopped blogging for a little while because I was worried about the criticism but now I just don't care.  Or at least I am hoping the real me won't :)

Its the weekend, and life is great! I'm going to try to just be me today.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Pay it Forward...

Are you creative? I didn't know I was till my god mother told me "I have always been". It was like the Glinda telling Dorothy "YOU had the power inside YOU all along".  I really didn't realize.. But since that day I have learned so many techniques and fun things to do to be creative.

and anyone who has crafted with me knows I am a speed crafter!  And a very fast learner. :)

So I have learned a lot.  And in return I have taught a lot. At one point I was teaching at 7 stores in California and at all of the Charity Wings Events.  I dont teach as much now, except to my friends and I have two art/scrapbooking/mixed media clubs that I host each month.. learn more here.  always room for more :)

Anyway, the point of this post is to encourage you to share your talent!  Pay it forward! and if someone takes what you have taught them and makes it their own you can feel so proud! If no one shared their talents, could you imagine?  and if no one took what they learned and made it their own, could you imagine! It's because of this that we have such a colorful artistic community. 

My dear friend Miss Vicky taught me how to make buttons stacks and I fell in love with the technique. Because of her teaching me a technique I got to design for Blumenthal Lansing!

here are a few more pieces I have made for them.

I had so much fun making these pieces and I love that is came from a technique that was passed on to me by a friend.  I hope I made her proud!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Yay! The gag order is lifted!

Just kidding! I have been dying to post pictures of some jewelry that I made for Blumenthal Lansing.  I was so thrilled they asked me to design for them! I was nervous because this is my first time doing something like this where I got paid to design art. Well, I guess I have done invitations and scrapbooks but this felt different. My first assignment was to make 3 projects for Michael's!

A bracelet, a necklace and a scrapbook page.  

I was nervous about the scrapbook page because over the years I have discovered I am really not a scrapbooker.  but I made something that I liked and they liked it too!  I had to wait till Michael's got to see the pieces before I could blog about them but I just got the ok. Helen from Blumenthal, the Craft Project Coordinator, loved them so much she commissioned 3 more necklaces from me!  Ill post photos of those soon. She has a great blog with lots of good ideas!

Hope you like my creations.  I think I am going try to get some on my etsy store... haha!  try is the key word there! and here I am, I made it to Designer on their website!

I love Blumenthal because they have been incredibly supportive of Charity Wings aka Scrapbook Royalty AND Liane is someone that I have come to consider my friend.  Here is Liane making Suzi Blu art when she came and volunteered at NJ Scrapbook Expo.  She hates having her photo taken and wouldnt look at me but she is a beautiful charitable soul and I love her to pieces!

Friday, August 12, 2011

Sometimes I get inspired...

I had a nice cozy dinner with two lovely friends of mine, Cheryl Waters and Laura Bray....

Cheryl is a lead Fiskateer and that is how we met.  Laura and I met at a ZNE retreat a long time ago and then just kept running in to eachother and knew we had to become friends!  These women are both extremely talented and wise.  When I spend time with them, some of their wiseness rubs off on me.  I am a lucky girl and a happy people.

Cheryl brought gifties for us.  Here is what I call, her version of a "pig in a blanket".

I love it so much.  I know I am supposed to take it apart and make stuff with it, but I am not going to. Its perfect just like this!

and Laura made dinner and had gifts of course! She gave us a sneak peek of some yummy goodness she is designing and made another attempt at teaching me how to embroider! She said I am a natural and I had nice stitches :)  hee hee!  All I got to do was part of the hair but it was very relaxing and fun because we could chat and stitch and every once in a while Cheryl or I would say out loud, "oh no!" or other versions of that phrase :) as we would get a knot, or break a thread or whatever. It was challenging and fun!

and then I came home and got cracking on my dress forms for my next Outside The Book Club Quarterly Swap!
I cant for the life of me get this photo to upload right side up!!  darn blogger!! deep breath! I'm a happy people :)

I have room for a few more members if you want to join. Its so fun and this coming meeting, next weds Aug 17th. we have the awesome Tracy Weinzapfel from Helmar as my guest. She is a creating genius and...

she is bringing a fun make and take!  Can't wait! Click here to read the blog with more info on my groups. I do 2 each month!

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Can't seem to get a post up...

Ok, I am going to sit here and write something.  I am totally missing blogging but I just can't seem to get a post written that I like.  My brain is all funny these days.  There is so much going on in my life between having a new boyfriend which was so unexpected, and being over half way through this year that I gave myself to get my company in order... well, I think my brain might be shutting down a little.  It was such a crazy first half with non stop travel and now not so much which is good.  I like being home too.  But I am a bit disoriented from trying to make a life for myself while trying to be with someone and having a little bit of a limbo going on with career, and other hopes and dreams.  Maybe that is it. I am in limbo.

Yes, that is it... I am in limbo.

And its not an easy place for me to be.  I hope I figure it out.  I think I can.   I am a happy people after all.
I remember this day.  I am pretty sure I didnt have a worry in the world.

Can't seem to get a post up...

Ok, I am going to sit here and write something.  I am totally missing blogging but I just can't seem to get a post written that I like.  My brain is all funny these days.  There is so much going on in my life between having a new boyfriend which was so unexpected, and being over half way through this year that I gave myself to get my company in order... well, I think my brain might be shutting down a little.  It was such a crazy first half with non stop travel and now not so much which is good.  I like being home too.  But I am a bit disoriented from trying to make a life for myself while trying to be with someone and having a little bit of a limbo going on with career, and other hopes and dreams.  Maybe that is it. I am in limbo.

Yes, that is it... I am in limbo.

And its not an easy place for me to be.  I hope I figure it out.  I think I can.   I am a happy people after all.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Who knew?

That you can get on the plane with your costco card?  yep! you can!

I lost my idea when I was in Chicago. Besides the fact that I was carded for alcohol and followed around by the bartender to make sure I didn't drink...I was really really worried I would not be able to get on the plane to come home!!

Tuesday, July 05, 2011


I had a lot of Vitamin D this weekend.  I spent time in the sun, taking walks, being with friends, meeting new friends.  It was a blessing.

Here is a canvas I did in our booth at Scrapbook Expo. I love Suzi Blu. This is one of her stamps from Unity Stamp Co.  I love Unity!

I will be leaving for Scrapbook Expo in Puyallup, WA (Seattle Area) next week and I can't wait to make new friends and teach people how to make this awesome canvas.  Here is one that Suzi did. she is amazing!

We are also doing little luggage tags in our booth. Here is one Suzi made for me!

just felt like putting up some art on my blog.  last couple of posts were a bit deep :)

working on some cool stuff for my clubs and for CHA!

Friday, July 01, 2011

Blog blockage

I have started several posts in the last few days and just cant get them to say what I want them to. I dont know why.

My whole brain seems off to me.  I know that part of it is just the new crossroads that I am at. (when do we stop reaching crossroads in our lives?)  and part of it is wanting something so bad and not being sure that it will ever happen.

So today I just have to say it. I can't hold it in anymore.   I have to say what I really really really want. More than anything in the whole world. More than my own life.

What I really really really want is for it not to be too late for me to have a child of my own.

There. I said it. It's out there.  I just don't want it to be too late.
 All of these kids are amazing and have added so much joy to my life.

Whenever someone says, "At least you didnt have kids" (re: getting divorced) or, "Hang out with my kids, you won't want them after that" or "You're so luck you dont have kids and get to travel all the time".  or "Kids are expensive" or the best one was when I was going through fertility treatments and people would say "as soon as you stop wanting one, you will get pregnant" or the many other things that are supposed to make me feel better about not being a mother....

I just take a deep breath and hold it in because I want to scream when people say this to me.  Not at them because how could they know how much it hurts me to hear this.

How could they know that it would have made my marriage worth it even if I had to have my ex husband be in my life forever.
That I would rather hear endless nights of crying and whining.
I would trade every trip and give up everything.
Poor people have kids all the time
How do you stop wanting to have a child?

They can't know.

So if you have kids, tell me, are they your greatest joy in life? Would you trade it for anything in the world? Imagine for a minute not having them.

And even with all this going on in my head. I am still a Happy People.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Its the happy things that matter....

I wish so much that I could just be a happy people all the time.  Unfortunately life is so darn hard sometimes!  Finding your path, finding what you are supposed to do. Making decisions that will affect everything.  Its so hard!

Where is the light?

Im frustrated and confused and not sure which path I am supposed to be on.

Do I just give up and join someone elses cause?

I know that the reason people dont often ask me to do things is because they think I am really busy. And I am. I am busy running a company with a few great volunteers that give as many hours a week as they can. And two people that I pay to help me with administrative duties.

So here is the problem. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. And the end is really close.

I promised my family that I would have income by the end of this year.  I am half way there and I dont see how to make that happen.  Its just not proving to be possible to grow an organization (with mostly volunteer help) to the point that I am take a salary out. 

So what do I do? At this point Charity Wings has grown so big that I as one person am not able to keep up.  Some major shifts happened this year to make it even harder to keep it going as well.  There are just specific things that need to happen every week and every single one of those things needs my input. I am not able to just hand things over to someone and expect it to be done.  That is the problem.

So, yes, I am busy. And that means I dont get asked to do things very often. And that means that I miss out on being social other than what I do for work.  Well, can you call it work if you dont get paid.  I dont know.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

One of those strong.

It happens sometimes. A day that just keeps getting worse and worse.  Until you are in such a state that all you want to do is lay your head down and cry. And then the doubt sets in.  Why is it when you are in this state you start to doubt everything about everything.  I hate second guessing myself.

I believe I was put on this earth to do things for others. There is nothing I feel more confident in than my ability to take care of people that need me.   I take that skill and work every day knowing that if I stay true to who I am, I will be doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing.

So why does the doubt still come?  Sometimes I am weak.

So what I really really really want it so be strong enough to know that I am doing the right thing.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Interrupting...Have you seen this girl?

How does art disappear? I made my first Suzi Blu art and then I got to assist her at "Inspired" which was so fun and awesome.  Suzi and I made a great team!

But somehow the piece didnt make it home with her...

Its not the first time that something I have made has not made it back to me but it bums me out a little. The piece is even cuter now because i added a little crown hat and some wings that my friends at Inspired gave me.  And I added bling!

So someone has my treasured piece. It probably made it home with someone on accident so I thought I'd put a call out and see if anyone has seen it :)

It has my initials on the bottom "ele" so I don't think anyone can mistake it for their own.  Or maybe some sticky fingers at the hotel got it.  Suzi is missing some of her step outs too.  Not sure why someone would take those though cause they are unfinished art... but Suzi is amazing so maybe they just wanted something she had touched hee hee!

Ahh well.  Still a happy people.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Redesigning Elena...the traveling princess-artist-do-gooder (Part 5)

Life does have its twists and turns and challenges.  If we run away from them we miss the lesson.  I am definitely here to learn so that I can grow and be a better person and more genuine to who I am everyday.

I am a Happy People.

and I am an Artist.

What I really really really want it to learn from life's challenges.

Elena creates...

My awesome friends Sarah and Jonas are getting married this weekend at my other awesome friend Maureen's winery in Paso Robles.  I am going to coordinate their day and I made a banner for them.  I can't wait to give it to them.  Just gotta string it together and I am done :)  She said Burlap and Lavender.  and really simple. I hope I got it right!

And this week was my Cool Scrapbook Club Crop. We have merged both of my clubs into one crop and it was so much fun! There were 22 of us this time and I actually showed up!  Everyone brought yummy food and I brought a make and take. 

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Redesigning Elena...the traveling princess-artist-do-gooder (Part 4)

Looking forward and Blue Skies Ahead!

On my journey to figure out what I really really really want, I had to visit some not so great places in my head and my heart.  I had to really dig deep and make sure that the things I thought I really want are things I really really really want!

So I have a friend G. She makes art and we chat and I've known her for a long time and she is one of my best friends. She gets happy when I am happy and she gets sad when I am sad.  She has been there for me and I have been there for her and it's been really nice.  She has 3 kids. They are awesome but not perfect and she loves them unconditionally no matter what.  I want that.  I want kids that I can love unconditionally.

I got unconditional love from my parents. My father, even though he is certifiable in many ways, always let me know that he loved me unconditionally. And as for my mother, I knew she loved me but sometimes I thought she wouldn't love me if I did certain things. And then I would do them and she would love me still. She would pick me up and brush me off. She would take care of me even if I was in another country, she would do anything she could to ease my sadness and she just couldnt bear to see my suffer.  She loved me unconditionally imperfections and screw ups and all..  My friend G loves her kids unconditionally

that is what I really really really want.  I want to be a mother that loves her kids unconditionally. 

I had a guest come to my last Outside The Book Meeting last week. Fran is awesome.  She taught us a form of resin art and it was very fun!  Here is Fran in one of my traditional poses :)

And here are the pieces I made:
 this is one of my most poignant moments in my life.  Everything changed on this night.  I added 3-D wings as the resin was drying.. one is broken. I love my broken wing art.
the piece above i made wings out of little plastic leaves.  I used a heart shaped button and then i made the word "fly" out of wire.  It's happy and sparkly and its my future.

 And this one with the  little girl is going in my purse.  putting it back out into the universe... stranger things have happened :)

I made more pieces but im tired of posting now so maybe later.