Becoming a mother at 46 and the adventure of having a baby unicorn!

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Cry in the shower?

Does anyone else do this?  Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the GRIEF and HOPE and that the tears just come. They come and they work their way through my whole body and before I know it, I am wracked with sobs that come straight from my broken heart.  My broken body has betrayed me and it makes it very very hard to LOVE MYSELF.

So that even though my mind tells me lots of people love me, I feel completely alone because I don't love myself. 

In my heart I have such doubt.

Today I am leaving on a spiritual journey. One that I set an intention for at Brave Girls Symposium.  I am going to a retreat where no one knows me, well, other than what they may have read here :)  I am going to walk through those doors at 4 pm today and be Elena.  Just Elena.  I am going to ground myself on my path to have a baby. My phone and computer will be off. I am going to disconnect from this anxiety filled place that I am living in and look for me.

I don't know what will happen and admittedly I am very nervous.  I know I am holding my heart in my own hands and fixing it is all on me. So I am going to try.

See you on the other side.
#findingelena #findingmyhope

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

I'm like a tornado. The inside spins so fast

I don't even know if that is true but I imagine myself like a tornado. The inside of me is spinning so fast because it is in a small space and just like a dog chasing it's tail, I only have so far to go before what I want is right in front of my face again.  Unfortunately so is my inadequacy to get what I want.  It stares me in the face too many times a day.

It's like the hope eats me up inside because it is just out of my reach and I literally keep chasing it till I'm frustrated and exhausted.

And sometimes I get a teeny glimpse of what it would be to get it.  I have moments of absolute confidence.  Like last week when I went to the doctor and he told me that if I use a donor embryo I would have a 50% chance of success if I used one embryo and if I transferred two, I would have a 75% chance of success.

I ALMOST PASSED OUT.  I teared up and it took all my power not to cry right there because I had so many questions to ask and didn't have time for an emotional break down.  But I was DYING inside.  HOW DID I NOW KNOW THIS OPTION EXISTED.

for me.

That is why when people say, "Adopt"  I am not there.  I don't see that as an option for me.  I have done the research and for what I want, it is not an option.

for me.

Ok, so back to my tornado.  Inside its like a whirlwind. I can't at all keep up. 

On the outside I am running an art center. I am trying to keep my S#*! together. I am smiling. The world moves slower outside and people can actually see me, the things I do, the things I say, the actions I am taking to find my hope.  It's slower and people can see it. They can't see the inside until I share it. So for the other people spinning inside, I share it.

Not sure anyone buys it but I am trying so hard. I never ever thought I would be doing this alone. And now that I am, I can't believe how lonely it is.  It's not like I am some super strong, independent woman who wants to be a single mom.  This is the last choice.  The only choice I have left.  and it is incredibly lonely.

for me.

The autumn wind by Yuehui Tang

Wednesday, September 07, 2016

The fear of Hope.

Does anyone feel this way? So scared to hope? I made the decision to go forward with this part of my journey again. And I'm scared. What if everything that I've read and researched doesn't apply to me? What if I go in and this doctor tells me that there is no way that I can carry a child? All my hopes and dreams lie in his hands and I'm scared. Here I go.

Thursday, September 01, 2016

I have to ask...

It's my job.  As a #crazycharitygirl I have been called to serve my community through working to make this world a better place through art and creativity.