Becoming a mother at 46 and the adventure of having a baby unicorn!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Tragic Ballerina the story continues...

A few weeks ago when I started this very sad journey...

I posted a photo of myself of facebook with my tutu on and my head down crying. I got a lot of worried responses but the best one was Teri's "you look so tragic Elena, I hope you are ok" I had just told my husband I was leaving him and cried for about 24 hours straight and the next morning I was meeting Jennifer T. and Anita to go to D23 Expo. I had no idea if I could do it or not but I knew I needed to. I needed to keep moving and keep busy or I felt like I would die. So I was trying on my tutu and tears were streaming down my face and I just thought I needed to capture the moment. So in my dimly lit living room with a tripod and a timer I took this photo:

I know some people will think it's strange but honestly I am so happy I took this picture so that I could make this nostalgia board this weeked at Miss Vicky's. Thank you Vicky for opening your home and your "collection" to me and for being such a loving caring generous friend.

this vintage ballet slipper was just waiting to be turned into art

A mini tutu with black wings reminds me that angles are watching over me even in the darkest of times.

Carly dyed the ballet slipper toe for me and I sprayed it with tattered angels turqoise blue, and added black glass glitter to make it sparkle.

"time heals all wounds" I know it will heal mine. below these words is a photo from a magazine of little ballerinas, a nod back to my innocence and a look toward the future child I can only dream of right now.

the Tragic Ballerina under glass smudged and stamped with the word "Remember" I know I will never forget the way I felt that night. I want to remember and draw strength from it as I look back on this very hard journey.

A beautiful purple vintage rose with a teardrop. Thank you Jan for this idea. "How Bad Was It?" it was horrible and still is. I live for the distractions that get me through the day.

A skull with turquoise blue tattered angel eyes, reminds me to live each day to the fullest because it goes fast and it is a gift.
A stained broken heart waiting to be whole again.

and finally in the bottom corner a little "hope" because that is what I have.

It was extremely cathartic making this piece. I know I will never forget this time in my life and I will learn so much and grow so much from this experience and the 2 best wisest things my father ever said to me were "Love is unconditional" and "Life is to experience so live it to the fullest" and I try to live by the latter every single day.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Disney and Birthdays do make me feel better

Yesterday was Sheila's Bday and i had the honor of going with her to Disneyland. We had a nice day just strolling around, going on a few rides, chatting about this and that, (sbr of course) and having lunch at Ariel's Grotto. Who can't be a happy people lunching with Princesses...

Happy Birthday Sheila. I know she is going to be celebrating all week.

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Angel of the Broken Hearts.

I was looking at the Etsy shop of one of my favorite artists, Danita, and I saw this beautiful piece titled "Angel of the Broken Hearts"

I am lucky enough to own one of her mounted on wood pieces. It is "Snow White" and I love it. You can actually find her blog on the right side of my blog...
Anyway, I really am hoping that the "Angel of the Broken Hearts" will come and heal me. I am not sure when the burning sensation behind my eyes will stop. Or when the stabbing in my heart and brain will go away but I really hope it is soon. I take solace in the fact that I know I will get through this and that I have wonderful friends and family to help me.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Coming alive...

I have moments of clarity and moments of excruciating pain. I feel bad for being a drama queen and I know that if I didn't share I wouldn't know how much love and support there is out there. and I wouldn't know that I am not alone. I know I am not alone.
thank you again to all the amazing people who have taken time to be a support on my little crumbling house.

Tonight I got to spend time with some old friends in a way I have not been able to do in a long time. Sheila and I have begun a journey together with SBR and I feel like she has been sent by God to help me just in time. Without her, and all of the other amazing volunteers, I really dont know what would become of my little non-profit.
So here is the amazing evening we had. I dressed in my best Vampire outfit, took a deep breath and was so grateful for the distraction.
You can click on the picture to enlarge if you like.
in the photos are:
cute embellies sheila made. with special anime for me.
perfectly themed wine
Marah and the Bday girl
Me with my Marah project
Mushroom Ravioli's and salad just like Bella ate.
Edward looking better with blood colored glitter on his face
Sheila's party guests
Redvelvet cupcakes with black frosting and of course the themed plates and napkins to match
awesome stuff in the kit
cupcake closeups

Thank you Sheila for the wonderful party and thank you Marah for your beautiful inspiring Twilight book.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Finding my Happy Place...

Opening my mind and my heart to words of wisdom and finding that I can make it through this.

Just need it to be one day at a time,
one step at a time,
one moment at a time...

I will be a Happy People again.

I recieved this from a friend and I love it.

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company isn't security.
After awhile you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain and the inevitable has a way of crumbling in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you stand too long in one place.
So, you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.
And you learn you really can endure, that you really do have worth.
You learn that with every good-bye comes the dawn.

Thank you Tcakes.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Friday, September 11, 2009

What is "it"?

After a serious outpouring of love and support through my blog, emails phone calls, and fb messages, I am deciding that i am ready to talk about "it".


The painful but right decision to move on from this marriage.

the "it" factor-

I am 37 and although i know that is young for some, it is old for me when i look at what i had hoped to accomplish in my lifetime. The main thing is to become a mother. At this point in time, i will never accomplish this goal with my husband and i will not be fulfilled or content to live a life without children. This is not the only reason but the one i can openly share.

Everyday just takes me one step farther from the life i want to lead and it is has created a valley of resentment that holds a marriage worth of anxiety and issues.
"it" is over-
It has taken all my strength to tell him that I am leaving. I knew it was my one chance to really tell him how I felt. There was no need to fear a fight, there was just the agony of all the pain i was causing.
Now that i walked that plank, the water actually feels refreshing. For a while there, drowning would have been preferable.
He listened and then responded and in the end, he didn't fight for me and i am grateful to him for that. Because he is such a good man and if only...
"it" is time

So now after having a week long pity party for myself and hearing from tons of friends and family. I am brushing myself off and pulling myself back into the life I know I am destined for. I don't just say i am a happy people- I really really am. I know that I will survive this. I have never doubted that. The pain and heartache just got in the way of seeing a clear alternate path.

Coming out from a haze inevitably makes the sunshine brighter. I needed that to be able to see where I am going.
So, no more mountain analogies. I am fine. I will be great. life is beautiful and I can see that with great pain will come great hapiness and I will be a happy people again.

and that is "it"-

To those of you that have reached out to me with words of wisdom and shared your own stories of pain, thank you. Thank you for showing me that life happens to us all and I am not alone.

Feeling pain means you are alive and with tomorrow comes another day of challenges and struggles but you have to find the hapiness and make it yours.
So I look forward to what tomorrow brings and my Happy People adventure continues.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Life can't always be wonderful even in Happy People Land

I am not in a happy people place these days. But I recieved this amazing art by Marsha Jorgenson in my mailbox today and I look forward to being this person again. Thank you Marsha for giving me a real picture of something to aim for...

In trying to maintain some normalcy in my life even when it is crashing around me, I am going to the D23 Expo tomorrow with a couple of girlfriends and had made plans to dress as a fairy. I guess I will just have to be a sad fairy. While trying on my tutu tonight. i decided to take this photo.
This is the real me right now. Can't fake it. Can't even try. Just have to live with it. Thank you for all the hugs and support from my Facebook friends.

And so that this post is not just a humongous downer... here are my atcs for another swap with Ally. The theme is Alice in Wonderland and I bought a vintage book at Paris to the Moon and chose and image from it to share. I love the way the blue sequins with the red heart sequin inside reminds me of the rabbit's collar. Looking at this reminds me that I have my creative outlet to help get me through this.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Look what I ate! Yum!

The Atkins Diet- I'm a believer...

About 12 years ago I was taught about the Atkins Diet from a friend of mine. I learned alot about what to eat, portions, and sugar!! Big deal that sugar. Anyway, I am convinced it is why, even though I have gained a little weight in the last few years, I have not ballooned :)

So when I got an email to participate in this Mom Central blog tour I jumped on it. I got a sample of the Atkins Flour packed with fiber and low in sugar-and Jean-Claude made me pancakes! Yummy banana pancakes! I love it when something good for you tastes good too. The Atkins Flour seriously tasted like normal flour to me. And my husband ate it too and he is the pickiest eater in the world! In fact, he says most of the food bar at Whole Foods is too healthy tasting for him so we dont go there anymore.-and I love that place!

Now, I swear it tasted good to me. Although I have a wacko for a Dad that has made eat the craziest health food fads ever invented. Yes, for a while I was drinking that nasty femented mushroom tea.. I got a buzz every time I drank it and I am pretty sure I was not 21 yet! And I did used to make my own Keifer by leaving milk on my counter (yep, out of the fridge) with Keifer grains in it! Hey, live microbiotics in my body, that can't be bad!

So I admit, I eat weird things but seriously, these pancakes were deee-lish! and I totally recommend this product. I also got a sample of the Penne Pasta so will try that and give you a review...

“I wrote this review while participating in a blog campaign by Mom Central on behalf of Atkins and received samples to facilitate my candid review. In addition, Mom Central sent me a gift card to thank me for taking the time to participate.”

Sunday, September 06, 2009

With all nighters come productivity!

So I was up all night last night. literally. I saw the sun coming up and realized it was 6:30 am!! Crazy!! not on purpose either!

So I did get some fun creative stuff started and prepped and finished today at the Pink Pineapple Scrapbook Club crop!
I am going to just post one for now so I can pretend that I am creative all week long!

Here is a page from the book I am making for Sheila for her bday

Yes, this is soooo "My Edward!"

Ok, I am going to post two, I forgot about the Edward picture and when I saw it on my camera really needed to post it!

So I also finished 12 ATCs for Alyson's Glitter ATC swap. I can't wait to see what I get back. I just love pretty shiny things!

I created these on pieces of plastic that I cut up.Used Crystal Lacquer to make a heart and sprinkled with glitter flakes. Added a acetate swirl, Heidi Grace heart fastener and of course a crown. All done! Love them!! Love the color. It makes me a smiling Happy People!!

The girls at the crop today asked me what I do with all these swaps and honestly, I dont do much with them. I look at them and ooh and ahh over them and get inspiration from them then put them up on a shelf :) The real fun for me is making something to swap. I get the therapeutic benefit of crafting. the selfish satisfaction of giving something of myself to someone, and get to use my stuff!!!

Saturday, September 05, 2009

No Seriously! I did a 12x12 layout!

So my guest designer gig stuff arrived and I was ready to create! So here it is... the first 12x12 layout ive done in a very very very long time!! I think I did one for book club quite a few months back and then maybe a year before that!

yep, that's half a butterfly wing because that is how I feel these days...
yes, my white balance is waaay off... gotta figure out how to fix that. or maybe its broken since I dropped my f*%$!@* camera!! still frustrated about it... happy people!! ok, feel better now.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Super A.D.D. Day!! stop to smell the roses....

So I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off and I look on my desk and Jean-Claude has left me some beautiful roses. So I stop, pick up the vase and take a nice long breath. They smell amazing. and they are so beautiful. I so needed it too...

So back to running around!!!

Here are a couple of photos of what I got back in the two swaps I posted about last week. One is the Vintage ATC swap. Super cute cards! Can't wait to add them to my ATC tower!
And the other was a flower swap for Pink Pineapple Scrapbook Club. This was amazing! I loved all the flowers that they girls made. Even yours Nely!!! Nely's was cute and sweet and she insists she is making new ones!! Whatever! I think basically, everyone was blown away by the flowers they got back. Love this crafty amazing group of ladies!
And last night at we had a wonderful guest from Provocraft, Jim came and demoed the Gypsy which is a super treat because very few people have been able to actually touch one! They are not coming out till September 24th!!

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Operation Showers of Appreciation

Saturday was another lovely SBR event!

This time for Operation Showers of Appreciation. A non-profit strated by Kimberly Felshaw and her husband in honor of their daughter that passed away after only 3 weeks of being on this planet. They host baby showers and help pregnant miliary families with supplies to get them started. What a huge service they do and what a courageous journey to take in memory of someone special. Just like SBR Their charity has grown so fast and the demands are high. They need money to help sustain what they do. Right now you can help and possibly win something very cool!


The event on Saturday raised about $1300 and we are hoping to raise more! Jessica Prosper made a beautiful "Dick and Jane" Quilt and as generously donated it for us to raffle off. You can buy tickets for just $5 each or 6 for $20 here:

Here are some fun photos from Saturday's event. Even though it was a small event, we had such a good time!

we played tiara bingo and here are out winners- Liz and Garnette!

seriously so funny! we were trying to cut out stars. they are soooo not cute!

I gave Leah one of my flowers as a thank you for teaching an awesome class!!

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

ATCs- what do you do with them? Kaiser Guest Designer!

I love doing swaps and lately I have been in a few ATC swaps. Plus there have been little make and take tags that I love and I just didnt know whta to do with them. I finally found something cute! Though admittedly it needs to be decorated itself. I bought a 3 tier display that holds earrings and used clips attached to the ATCs to tie them onto the display. I love it! It is like a 7 Gypsies ATC spinner on shabby chic crack! All it needs is some glitter and it will be much better!

And I got an email from a lovely friend and fellow Lucky 13 Melissa, last week inviting me to be a Guest Designer for Kaisercraft!! Can you believe it? So cool!

Here is a picture of their First Quarter Releases and all the yummy goodness they just sent me to create with!!

(of course I can't get blogger to turn this $%#@*&! picture!)

This was really cool news and so flattering to be asked. I really am excited to play with all the goodies! They have repackaged their embellies so now everything comes in its own heavy plastic ziplock bag. Its so cool. Has holes in it and you can keep them together. I will take more pics soon. Gotta catch up from this weekend still!!