Becoming a mother at 46 and the adventure of having a baby unicorn!

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

My Holiday Roller coaster- Searching for a partner

I had planned to be pregnant before the end of 2016. I just wanted to either know I am having a baby, or start the slow decent into the inevitable depression before I pulled myself up to try again.  However, it didn't work out and now I can't do the embryo transfer till first week of Feb 2017.  This is literally torture.

The holidays are already a roller coaster of emotions. This is harder.

I've been trying for weeks to blog. I hate when I get out of the habit. I spend so much time thinking and realizing that I need to write and then when I sit down, I can't get the words to flow.  Tonight I am determined.

There is something about planning for a baby, that may or may not come, that is surreal and unique.  I have finally resigned myself to the fact that I am in for a lot of changes. Not just because of the baby.  Not the obvious ones.  More because I am finally ready to accept what I have said a to so many people.

"I would not do what I do (run Charity Wings) if I had children."

This is the truth.

So many times my "married with kids friends" have told me that I am so lucky to get to do what I do.  I don't deny that at all. My life has been so charmed. I have had the most amazing experiences. Meaningful relationships in my life are plentiful. I have not lacked happiness. So it is with a guilty heart that I even slightly complain about the cards I have been dealt. However, every time my "married with kids friends" say how lucky I am to get to do what I do, and do whatever I want, I tell them not to envy my life.  I have no children. I have no husband. I would trade it all, every minute, for the life you have with your family.

I have been dealing with the "ticking clock" for about 7 years now.  I was married when this whole baby challenge started. It sealed the fate of an already incompatible relationship while wreaking havoc on my heart, mind, soul, and sanity.   I was ready to be a mother but didn't think anything like this would happen. I didn't know that my body would not cooperate.  I  didn't know that it would betray me in the simplest most natural task.  I am a woman. It is my God Given Right to bear children.  

And I never never never thought I wouldn't be a mother.  Never. 

To finally learn, and maybe not for the first time but for the first time that my heart was open to learning, that not being able to conceive did not mean that I couldn't carry a child, well, that is a gift from a friend that I was not expecting.  It came to me in a moment that I could hear it and understand it.  Somehow the stars aligned that night.

So full steam ahead I went. And in the process, with all the changes, I am having to face the fact that my words are true.  I cannot run Charity Wings and have a child.  

So as I look 2017 dead on, I see that I am on the fast track to change. 

On January 12th the IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) AKA (ART Assisted Reproductive Therapy) Cycle will begin. The cycle will last about 6 weeks from start to finish and in the end I am hoping with all my heart, all my might, all my power to be pregnant.

So I am searching for the right someone.  Charity Wings is looking for the perfect person to take on the operations side of the organization.  This needs to be the perfect person.  This person will be my partner. They will grow the side of the organization that I, as one person, have never been able to. This place has such amazing potential. Every city needs a place like this.  We have so much to offer and I have only been able to tap into the smallest part of it.  When I find this person, I will migrate my responsibilities and focus on what I am good at.  I will continue to build relationships and raise money and awareness for the amazing programs and classes we offer.  I have been doing this job for going on 11 years and it is time.

The change is coming and I am looking forward to what the next part of this life has to offer.

Ive raised about 1/2 of the $30,000+ I need to pursue this dream.
If you want to help:

My ever after is all I'm after.

Wishing the same for all of my friends and family in 2017.  Thank you for reading.

#findingelena #findingmyhope #infertility