Cry in the shower?

Does anyone else do this?  Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the GRIEF and HOPE and that the tears just come. They come and they work their way through my whole body and before I know it, I am wracked with sobs that come straight from my broken heart.  My broken body has betrayed me and it makes it very very hard to LOVE MYSELF.

So that even though my mind tells me lots of people love me, I feel completely alone because I don't love myself. 

In my heart I have such doubt.

Today I am leaving on a spiritual journey. One that I set an intention for at Brave Girls Symposium.  I am going to a retreat where no one knows me, well, other than what they may have read here :)  I am going to walk through those doors at 4 pm today and be Elena.  Just Elena.  I am going to ground myself on my path to have a baby. My phone and computer will be off. I am going to disconnect from this anxiety filled place that I am living in and look for me.

I don't know what will happen and admittedly I am very nervous.  I know I am holding my heart in my own hands and fixing it is all on me. So I am going to try.

See you on the other side.
#findingelena #findingmyhope

The reality is this.

I've never had a time in my life when I knew I was going to be alone.

Since I was a little girl my biggest dream was to get married and have a family.  I was the kid that babysat every kid in the neighborhood from the time I was about 12 years old.  I was the one that loved babies and that babies loved. I tell people I have a kid aura. That kids know that I will be good to them and care for them.  I have prided myself all my life on what a good mother I am going to be.

Now, as the reality is settling in, I can see that I am going to be alone.  I absolutely have to be. I don't mean alone as in without friends or support.

I mean alone as in without a partner.

This has never been in my plans.  In fact, it was so far from my plans that I have made steps on this journey that have taken me farther from my dream of being a mother because I wanted to do this with a man that would be the father.

Making the decision to leave my wonderful, safe, happy, sweet relationship and try to have a baby through Assisted Reproductive Therapy, has made me realize that I cannot accept another person into my heart.  Because after a lifetime of 2 year relationships, I don't trust that anyone has the same passion for my dream as I do. And this I know is probably the most obvious thing but I have never seen it as clearly as I do right now.

I'm scared and excited.  

I'm filled with anxiety.

I'm confused and seeking answers.

I cry every night and I am not always sure why.

My heart is open to what will happen next. My mind is focused on what I need to do.

#findingelena #findingmyhope

If you want to help:

https://www.gofundme.com/ART-for-Elena

The anxiety and fear are real. But there is hope.

I share because I can.
I share as an outlet and a release of all the things that build up inside me.
I share in hopes that I can soothe another heart.
I share to reveal me.

I am a visual person.  So when I am feeling particularly raw, I try to get a physical representation of what that feeling is. I make something or I write it down/blog or I look for a meaningful quote or image.  Today I wanted to see what I look like when I am sitting on the floor clinging to myself trying not to let fear and anxiety get the best of me.

As I looked at the photo, I saw that I was literally clinging to myself. I WANT TO BE CLINGING TO HOPE. I saw that I looked scared. Who is this person who looks so sad and lost. It can't possibly be me. With all the amazing things I have in my life. All the support and love I get to receive from friends and family. But today I am this person.

I can see it in my selfie.
I can see that I am wearing my turmoil on the outside.
I can see that I do not want to be this person.

It is a journey.

And my friends are on it with me.  See what my friends did...
https://www.gofundme.com/ART-for-Elena

I'm so humbled and honored.

#findingelena #findingmyhope