Since I was a little girl my biggest dream was to get married and have a family. I was the kid that babysat every kid in the neighborhood from the time I was about 12 years old. I was the one that loved babies and that babies loved. I tell people I have a kid aura. That kids know that I will be good to them and care for them. I have prided myself all my life on what a good mother I am going to be.
Now, as the reality is settling in, I can see that I am going to be alone. I absolutely have to be. I don't mean alone as in without friends or support.
I mean alone as in without a partner.
This has never been in my plans. In fact, it was so far from my plans that I have made steps on this journey that have taken me farther from my dream of being a mother because I wanted to do this with a man that would be the father.
Making the decision to leave my wonderful, safe, happy, sweet relationship and try to have a baby through Assisted Reproductive Therapy, has made me realize that I cannot accept another person into my heart. Because after a lifetime of 2 year relationships, I don't trust that anyone has the same passion for my dream as I do. And this I know is probably the most obvious thing but I have never seen it as clearly as I do right now.
I'm scared and excited.
I'm filled with anxiety.
I'm confused and seeking answers.
I cry every night and I am not always sure why.
If you want to help: