Becoming a mother at 46 and the adventure of having a baby unicorn!

Thursday, November 21, 2013

On the outside I smile.

I have so many things I want to do in this life before I die.  Every time I pluck a grey hair I think I am one step closer to NOT getting to reach my goals and it scares me.

Having the Art Center requires me to smile and present a happy exterior but on the inside I feel like there is a constant drip of blood coming from the hole in my heart. This unstoppable hole is not from any relationship or pain caused by a person-people leave their mark but it heals and scars just make you stronger.  The real injury comes from the pain of an unfulfilled life and complete lack of comprehension of why mine is turning out this way.  I make art to release some of the pressure and that scares people because they worry that I am not ok. The truth is, I will never be ok until I have the one thing in life I truly desire.  And that is to be a mother.  As you can see by this chart, my odds are almost 0%.

It is a heartbreak that I live with every day. I am not sure how to fill it. I am not sure how to change the way I feel. Nothing anyone can say makes it better. I just spread my pain through my art and hope that some day it will go away.