Becoming a mother at 46 and the adventure of having a baby unicorn!

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Adjusted and not destroyed.

Here it goes.

I gave myself an attitude adjustment. I strongly believe that happiness is a choice. When I am wallowing in my own shit it's my own doing. My mind is so strong. It can bring me to the deepest despair or the highest highs. So I am choosing happiness. I am forgiving myself because I refuse to be destroyed.

New attitude
New reality
New day

Saturday, July 19, 2014

pretty on the outside, empty shell

I hate this part of the journey.
but I have lost something and I can never get it back.
I can't stop thinking of the child that I will never meet. That I have waited for and tried so hard to bring into this world.
I hate knowing that my body is at a stalemate with nature and that in the end I will rot in the ground and no part of me will remain on this earth.
I hate that the pain and anxiety rip through me and paralyze me to the point that I find myself standing with my arms wrapped around me.  I think holding "me" together?
I hate feeling like a judgmental bitch when I think I would be a better mother than....
I hate feeling like I deserve a child.
I hate that I want to alienate myself from people who have what I don't have.
That I have no patience for complaints because I am so sure that nothing could feel worse than being betrayed by your own body and not being able to ever escape from the thing causing you pain.

There is no remedy. There is no fix. The weakness of my heart disgusts me.

But most of all, I hate knowing that I can't stay in this place.  That I am not alone. That there are so many amazing people that care about me and want to hold me and let me cry for as long as it takes. because all of these things make me feel like a weak asshole.

All of these people pull me up and keep me from drowning when all I want is to drown.

I cringe as I click publish knowing that pity is not what I want at all. but it's fair to put it out in the universe for that one person that needs to read this.

Art is my therapy.

Thursday, July 03, 2014

I will fight you!

Yes, I only post when I am having profound moments in my life.

I have been fighting off depression lately and debating whether or not to post on my blog.  For some reason, putting it out there for the universe to see, judge, and analyze helps me.

So it's here.

If you know anyone who has fought the stressful/frustrating/devastating/hopeless/painful/gut wrenching battle of infertility or if you have fought this battle then you know that the depression comes and goes.  There are times in my life when I feel like I will be ok without ever having the experience of being a mother. Then there are times when I think I might die from the emptiness that I feel in my heart.  I struggle with the reason I exist if not to do what I am naturally supposed to do.

My body has betrayed me and I have no way to separate myself from the painful stab to my heart that it gives me every month when it reminds me that I am not a whole person.

Every month when I get my period I want to scream at the injustice and ridiculousness of it.  I hate myself for having a pity party ever when I know that I am truly so blessed and I have an amazing life that is so full of love and happiness that it is disgusting to every feel sorry for myself.

I am not looking for sympathy or for people to tell me how lucky I am and that I am a mother to many and that it might still happen and all those other things that are truly sweet and with good intentions but that honestly just don't change my feelings.

I am just putting this out in the universe so that people may understand me a little better, may be able to relate and know they are not alone if they are going through this too, and remind people that sometimes that twinkle in my eye is actually a tear burning to escape.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Remember I am just a girl Whatever you think I am. Whatever you think you know about my life. I'm this girl A LOT

Because life is not kind. its hard and awesome and Life is to experience

and even when I feel like this. I will be a happy people in the end.


Friday, February 07, 2014

The truth about how much I make.

When I tell someone about Charity Wings, I see their minds working through 2 questions:

1) What charities do they support.
2) How much is she getting paid.

It's true! At the end of most conversations, people who don't do non profit work for a living either ask or are left wondering how much I am making.  So here it is folks.  I have been working non stop for about 8 years (April will be 8).  When I was married, our household covered most the expenses for the organization for the first 3 years.  (Storage, phone, internet, travel, taxes, website etc.)  Then when I became single, I was able to restructure so that the organization could pay its own bills. because I NEVER PAID MYSELF A SALARY. 

So see how this works? I start a company that is structured to be 100% volunteer run.  
Then when I am on my own and need to take care of myself.... Oops!  
My mother always told me not to becoming dependent on someone else and did I listen?  NO!
I really do have a college degree and so much potential 
which she reminds me about weekly at family night. :)

So, for the last almost 5 years I have been trying to build a non profit business model that would allow us to continue our work and pay administrative costs.  At this point, I am not successful.

And, I am not independently wealthy so.  Therein lies the dilemma.

Luckily for me, I have an amazing family. When I moved out on my own, I lived with my brother for the first 6 months and then my amazing mother bought a condo for me to live in.  My car is paid for and I don't have kids so my expenses are pretty manageable.

So, back to the question on everyone's mind.

1) We support EVERY non profit.  Any 501(c)(3) can come to us and we will offer them free classes and or help with fundraising through Art and Creativity.
2) I only started paying myself about 2 years ago.  Depending on the state of our finances, just like with any business owner, my salary goes up and down.  between $500 and $1500 a month. So at best I make $18,000 a year. I don't ever make that but you get the picture.

So there you have it.  I struggle and I love what I do. 

If you have read this far, then you are truly my friend :) or just super nosy which works for me too!

So how can I live on that? Well, I can't. I left my marriage with some hefty debt and have been paying it off for 5 years!  Yay!! next month is my last payment.  But since then have racked up another little pile of debt trying to keep the Art Center open.  :( So I will start working on this mountain next month :(

I can't actually continue to live off such a small salary 
and I can't grow the organization without being able to pay an administrative staff. 

I LOVE MY VOLUNTEERS WITH MY WHOLE HEART.(imagine this is blinking and neon)

There are so many amazing volunteers. They make this organization so awesome and what it is today. But there are not enough hours in the day to recruit volunteers, manage them, deal with turnover and  deal with the ones that decide they can't finish a task or whose dog ate their homework :)  Just kidding but seriously, for some volunteers, they don't quite understand that this is a business and being a volunteer is a commitment and requires dedication just like a job.  And I can't yell at them cause they are volunteers!  get it?  Ok, off my soap box.

So, volunteers are great. but I need to fill several key positions if I want to be able to keep going.  I need a Volunteer Coordinator.  I need an Accountant. I need a Grant Writer.  I need to build an active Board of Directors. I need a Community Liaison.  I need a Marketing Manager.

So you can see. I need I want I need I want. But most of all I just want to be able to build a  non profit business model that allows me to replicate the Art Center. Every city needs one of these!  If I can get this to the point that it has a solid business model to follow I could open them and EASILY FILL THEM WITH PRODUCT. All over the country.  You know I can! 

But its the money. I hate it, its always the money.

So, now if you have read this far, you are really really my friend.  I hope you were enlightened or at least a little entertained by my story.

If you feel compelled to support my mission which is:

The mission of the Charity Wings Art & Craft Center is to be an inspiring place for people of all ages to Gather, Give Back and Create; as well as to partner with other charities to give free classes to those who can benefit from the Hope, Happiness, and Healing that art can provide!

Would you please consider becoming a member?  It's more like KPBS than 24 Hour Fitness.  Your membership is not to use the Art Center. ANYONE CAN COME AND USE THE ART CENTER!  Your membership supports our programs and allows us to continue the great work that we do.

We are providing a service to the community at large that can come and be introduced to Art and how Therapeutic it is to the mind, body, and soul.

We are also providing a service to our community of Art Lovers, Art Makers, and Art Supporters by giving them a way to give back through something they are passionate about.

If you are not a member, please join and help us build a Fleet of Art Centers and an Army of Volunteers that heal a World of People through ART!

If you are already a member, please spread the word and ask a friend (or two) to join.  Or consider raising your monthly donation.  Its less than 4 special coffee drinks a month to be at the $20 level :) And makes all the difference in the world to what we are doing.


Thank you for helping me fly!