Becoming a mother at 46 and the adventure of having a baby unicorn!

Saturday, July 19, 2014

pretty on the outside, empty shell

I hate this part of the journey.
but I have lost something and I can never get it back.
I can't stop thinking of the child that I will never meet. That I have waited for and tried so hard to bring into this world.
I hate knowing that my body is at a stalemate with nature and that in the end I will rot in the ground and no part of me will remain on this earth.
I hate that the pain and anxiety rip through me and paralyze me to the point that I find myself standing with my arms wrapped around me.  I think holding "me" together?
I hate feeling like a judgmental bitch when I think I would be a better mother than....
I hate feeling like I deserve a child.
I hate that I want to alienate myself from people who have what I don't have.
That I have no patience for complaints because I am so sure that nothing could feel worse than being betrayed by your own body and not being able to ever escape from the thing causing you pain.

There is no remedy. There is no fix. The weakness of my heart disgusts me.

But most of all, I hate knowing that I can't stay in this place.  That I am not alone. That there are so many amazing people that care about me and want to hold me and let me cry for as long as it takes. because all of these things make me feel like a weak asshole.

All of these people pull me up and keep me from drowning when all I want is to drown.

I cringe as I click publish knowing that pity is not what I want at all. but it's fair to put it out in the universe for that one person that needs to read this.

Art is my therapy.


flowerpalace said...

You are so much more. I wish I could help your pain. You WILL leave a part of you on this earth :)

Vanessa Bourque said...

You are a great person. You do alot to help others. I am an avid crafter also. I have been doing it all my life. I love it when you do CHA and other livestream event. I wouldn't miss them for the world.