My ramblings as a lover of adventure, all things crafty,art, life, and mostly bacon....

Monday, July 25, 2016

Giving up something really amazing because...life.

Now, as I am about to turn 45, I am having to make some really hard choices. People always say that Charity Wings is a dream come true for me. In reality, it is an amazing thing and I wake up every day very happy to go to work and do my job, but it is not my dream come true.  Running an Art Center has never been my dream.  Charity Wings was born out of baby steps and natural progression but it is not my dream come true.

So, I have made a decision to make my real dream come true and that puts me on a path that I have to start alone.  That means without the man that has stood by my side and been an incredible rock for the past two years.  It's really hard to let go of something that is basically perfect, but ultimately takes me farther away from my dream.  


There is something in this life that I want more than Paul Malone and that is to be a mother.

This breaks my heart and fills me with sadness. We both know it's the right thing to do.  As someone that has already raised a family, it is not his dream to raise another human being and I respect that so much.  Our lives are so intertwined, its not the end of our story.  We will have an amazing friendship that will last our whole lives. We love each other and that will not change.

I am not sure of many things. I don't really believe in absolutes.  There is just one thing in this world I know without a doubt and that is that I am meant to be a mother.  I don't know how to make that desire go away. I cry for that child that my human nature and internal clock have been at war for.  If I could just let the dream go, I wouldn't have to give up on the most beautiful relationship I could imagine at this point in my life.

So for now, I will walk the empty halls of my home and mourn for the relationship I am giving up for the relationship that I have to find. 



#findingelena #findingmyhope

24 comments:

Unity Stamp Company said...

i admire your strength and your desire to be a mama. you will always love your paul and that is a beautiful relationship that you have gotten to enjoy. you him and him you. follow your mama heart beautiful soul. you will not regret it for a moment when that time arrives. xoxo.

LucianaW said...

You deserve all the best! And sure will realize your dream!
The first step you have taken, is now walking to meet this beautiful dream!
Believe!!

Lura said...

You have had your wings on to fly for so many of us, including me for so long now. Its now YOUR time to take those wings and fly to make that dream come true. I have no doubt you WILL make it all happen and you will not fly solo but with a sweet little human to shower all the love you have inside on. I will pray that this dream comes true for you. All my love forever <3

Hovawart said...

If the only people who had children were those who had this much love for a child that they absolutely had to, what a better world this would be.

mom2000 said...

Beautiful soul and brave woman! I know how hard it is to let go of something we love, but if motherhood is your calling you must take risks. Unfortunately there is no other way to pursue our dreams without trying and many times giving up on other dreams. I am glad he understands and supports your decision... as a parent himself he knows the feeling of raising someone. By my experience I can tell you it is very rewarding! Unconditional love. And you have everything to be a great mother! So dream on and may God be by your side every step of the way! Much love!❤️

Trudy Sjolander said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Trudy Sjolander said...

What a hard thing to do. Motherhood is amazing, and I would have given up anything for my son Kurt, so I get you my friend.
I hope you find your dream come true very soon and he/she fills that empty spot in your heart, and quenches that never ending maternal desire.
HUGS!

Lorie said...

I met you only once, Elena, at Danita's doll workshop in Jenny Doh's studio, it was at least 2 years ago. Even then, I was struck by how strongly you wanted a child. You talked about it briefly at lunch, but I could sense the strongest of desires. My heart is with you! I can't imagine my life without my two children, now a grandchild, too. Pursue your dream with every ounce of your being. I totally understand that strongest of all instincts, that of being a mother and nurturing a child. I'll be praying for you xoxoxoxox

Lorraine Bell said...

Love you, love you, love you Elena. I will tell you that the one {and only} thing in my life that I never regretted was becoming a mother. Not.for.one.single.moment. holding your heart in my hands

Kelly Lish said...

Sweet Elena-you will be a wonderful mother and as much as you are hurting right now, you will never regret your decision. To this day, at age 51, raising my two kids is my greatest pride and were the happiest years of my life <3 Im so sorry you are hurting. Following our heart is all we can do. Love to you my friend <3
Love, Kelly

Lisa Viger said...

Aw, wow! Such a heartfelt and revealing post! All the best to you on becoming a mother and sorry you're having to sacrifice. As someone who has struggled with a less than maternal mother it's so important that she be a good one ... and you would make an incredible mom.

xo

Ann Butler said...

Elena you are truly brave to follow your dreams even if it means letting go of Paul. I know how much the two of you love each other, and letting go can be a hard decision, but your dream is one that will bring you the fulfillment you so desire. You will be an amazing mom...you have such a BIG heart! I love you, girlfriend!! xoxox

Peggy Oliver said...

You are a strong girl .. follow your instincts. Motherhood is challenging but so very fulfilling and it called my name. The desire is a natural human part of evolving (as a woman I feel awakened every seven years) . Change is so good for you. Enjoy this new path on your journey. Let it happen naturally and most of all be happy!!!

Sarah Fravel said...

Love you girl! Praying for you and hoping that you will find what you are looking for. Run away to South Dakota for a bit...maybe you can find some part of yourself here!?!?

janine stegman said...

with all the love you have in your heart, you need to have a child to give too. All the best to you and your dream.

Camille said...

Elena, you are amazing, and strong, and passionate. We talked quite a bit about Paul while you were here, and it was very very clear how much she meant to you and how much of a blessing he was in your life. I'm sure this was an incredibly tough decision. You are going to be an amazing mother, and when that time comes I can't wait to share in your joy! Love you so much lady.

Camille said...

Elena, you are amazing, and strong, and passionate. We talked quite a bit about Paul while you were here, and it was very very clear how much she meant to you and how much of a blessing he was in your life. I'm sure this was an incredibly tough decision. You are going to be an amazing mother, and when that time comes I can't wait to share in your joy! Love you so much lady.

Julie GM said...

Wow! Amazing! You are truly a strong woman! Your heart is telling you what you have already known. I will continue to pray for you and the child that will become your heart someday real soon. I met you at CHA in Jan at the RG booth & you are a ray of sunshine!

Rose Curtis said...

You are such a giving and loving person! Doors are opening for you, Elena as you are following your passion... such a powerful decision and amazing example for us all! big hugs cause none of this is easy

RollerScrapper said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a difficult decision but I know that you are going to find what you need, a truly passionate person does not sit back and let life happen, she goes out there and gets what she wants. Let me know if you need to chat, I'm sorry I've been such a distant friend, but am here for you whenever you need me!

RollerScrapper said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a difficult decision but I know that you are going to find what you need, a truly passionate person does not sit back and let life happen, she goes out there and gets what she wants. Let me know if you need to chat, I'm sorry I've been such a distant friend, but am here for you whenever you need me!

Nancy Peevey said...

To love is to sacrifice. Much love and prayers for your
dream to manifest, dear one. xoxo

Reenec said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I am so happy for you that you have the strength to listen to your heart. That is real strength. He will always be in your heart but being a Mom is such a wonderful thing. I am an older Mom myself and I am so glad I have my son. He is my light. Life is such an awesome journey. Live it with your huge heart. You do not walk alone, you have lots of friends with you��

Vanessa Johanning said...

Xoxoxoxo 😘💕💕💕💕💕