Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Monday January 16th was supposed to be the start of my IVF cycle. I have been doing all the last minute prepping and getting ready for what I have been so hopeful for.
I had stopped the BC pills on the 12th to regulate my cycle and I was supposed to have started by period. It had not come on the 16th which was suspicious. When I got to the doctors for my baseline ultrasound, the nurse told me that I have 2 cysts, one on each of my ovaries. They are each about an inch long. This is not good. The cysts are likely from the "mock cycle" that we did to see if I can even carry a child. So it had to be done, but this is the result.
They drew blood and sent me home. I made it out of the doctor's office before the tears started coming. This news was depressing to say the least. More than that, it was frustrating. Then, that afternoon I got the call.
My estrogen levels were at 1100. To put that into perspective, they want me to be at 100. The cysts are producing estrogen. So I am back on BC pills to try to get the cysts to go back down. I will be having another ultrasound on Jan 23rd. Wish me luck. I was so hopeful that my body might actually be capable of doing something it is supposed to do in regards to becoming pregnant. This set back, sets me back.
The weird things is, I had just written this blog post Saturday, and forgotten to publish it. I was so hopeful that day. Weird. Is this the brick wall slamming down for me to run into when things are going well? I hope not. All I know is that right now, I am a sad unicorn.
Monday, January 09, 2017
Here is my story.
You can help.
-SHARE my story with someone who might need to hear it.
-Donate any amount, I will be forever grateful.
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
I had planned to be pregnant before the end of 2016. I just wanted to either know I am having a baby, or start the slow decent into the inevitable depression before I pulled myself up to try again. However, it didn't work out and now I can't do the embryo transfer till first week of Feb 2017. This is literally torture.
I've been trying for weeks to blog. I hate when I get out of the habit. I spend so much time thinking and realizing that I need to write and then when I sit down, I can't get the words to flow. Tonight I am determined.
There is something about planning for a baby, that may or may not come, that is surreal and unique. I have finally resigned myself to the fact that I am in for a lot of changes. Not just because of the baby. Not the obvious ones. More because I am finally ready to accept what I have said a to so many people.
The change is coming and I am looking forward to what the next part of this life has to offer.
Ive raised about 1/2 of the $30,000+ I need to pursue this dream.
Wishing the same for all of my friends and family in 2017. Thank you for reading.
#findingelena #findingmyhope #infertility
Saturday, October 29, 2016
So, back up a little. I wanted to go to Disneyland with Paul because 1) its always fun! 2) he bought me a pass for my bday last year and we have barely used it. 3) It's fun to watch Paul Malone let his "kid" out sometimes and 4) I am hoping this will apply to me very soon.
So we went, rode all the roller coasters and it was a very fun day. I did check Facebook a couple of times during the day and I saw that the photos I had posted about my uterine lining measurement was blowing up. Well, for me, 300 plus likes is blowing up!
So, here I am at Disneyland and all of the sudden I get this feeling like. I might disappoint all these people!!! What if this doesn't work. I already know how I will feel. I just try not to think about it. But what about my village?!?!!
The way social media has evolved, it really does feel like all of these people are cheering me on as I am battling these demons and holding their breath hoping that the demons don't swallow me up.
But what if they do.
Trying not to think about it.
Monday, October 03, 2016
Last Thursday I disconnected from my electronics, social media, family, work, and people I love.
Today I'm driving back to my life a changed girl.
I met these amazing women.
Abby, you're sweet, youthful, and wise beyond your years. Just starting your journey and yet you have already come so far. Let's go to Taiwan together.
Amanda, you are a warrior. Thank you for feeling like me. It makes "me" a thousand times more bareable. You are so so beautiful.
Kolleen, you started my journey by knowing I was scared and pointed it out to the people who needed to know so I could feel safe. I am so grateful for your intuition and nurturing. My red bracelet brought fresh blood to my wounds and helped to heal me.
Melissa, you reminded me that I need to find more time for my body. And that opening your heart is scary and I am not the only one that feels this way. Strong and reserved and somehow still carrying an open heart.
Meredith, you fed my body and soul and I didn't know food could have so much intention before so thank you for teaching me that. I can't wait to eat my vegetable with you again.
Eve, your spirit is sooooooooo soothing. I felt like I was connecting with someone from another world. I admire your heart.
Jennifer/Heather, I loved our walk. I loved our baller jacuzzi time. I loved when you were quiet and when you let lose and said the most amazingly right on things. I will be sending you foxy love on your marathon.
Tonia, you have the patience and heart of a Saint. Thank you for collaborating on my medicine pouch. I will treasure it always.
Jen Lake, San Diego calls us back and I am feeling like the luckiest person because I get to leave here and still see you. Rainbows, unicorns, giggles, and OLSPS . I can't wait to play again.
Denise, my wondeful bed mate. I am in awe of what you do. It's a beautiful thing to heal people through Art. I loved getting your energy while I slept. I think it was just what I needed.
Jeanette, I connected with your energy. It provided so much spiritual guidance these past few days. I feel your pain and I offer up my pain in hopes that you can be soothed at least a little bit.
Christine, every time I looked at you, your ever smiling eyes let me know I was in a safe place. You look at people with kindness and love and exude it. That is such a special gift.
Jen Jen Jen. Your beauty holds no bounds. The fox tail will sit on my baby alter in a place of honor and I will pray for the magic that it holds to join my soul. You guide, I'll follow.
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
It's like the hope eats me up inside because it is just out of my reach and I literally keep chasing it till I'm frustrated and exhausted.
And sometimes I get a teeny glimpse of what it would be to get it. I have moments of absolute confidence. Like last week when I went to the doctor and he told me that if I use a donor embryo I would have a 50% chance of success if I used one embryo and if I transferred two, I would have a 75% chance of success.
I ALMOST PASSED OUT. I teared up and it took all my power not to cry right there because I had so many questions to ask and didn't have time for an emotional break down. But I was DYING inside. HOW DID I NOW KNOW THIS OPTION EXISTED.
Wednesday, September 07, 2016
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
It only takes a minute. The world is all pretty and just floating along and then.