Saturday, October 29, 2016
So, back up a little. I wanted to go to Disneyland with Paul because 1) its always fun! 2) he bought me a pass for my bday last year and we have barely used it. 3) It's fun to watch Paul Malone let his "kid" out sometimes and 4) I am hoping this will apply to me very soon.
So we went, rode all the roller coasters and it was a very fun day. I did check Facebook a couple of times during the day and I saw that the photos I had posted about my uterine lining measurement was blowing up. Well, for me, 300 plus likes is blowing up!
So, here I am at Disneyland and all of the sudden I get this feeling like. I might disappoint all these people!!! What if this doesn't work. I already know how I will feel. I just try not to think about it. But what about my village?!?!!
The way social media has evolved, it really does feel like all of these people are cheering me on as I am battling these demons and holding their breath hoping that the demons don't swallow me up.
But what if they do.
Trying not to think about it.
Monday, October 03, 2016
Last Thursday I disconnected from my electronics, social media, family, work, and people I love.
Today I'm driving back to my life a changed girl.
I met these amazing women.
Abby, you're sweet, youthful, and wise beyond your years. Just starting your journey and yet you have already come so far. Let's go to Taiwan together.
Amanda, you are a warrior. Thank you for feeling like me. It makes "me" a thousand times more bareable. You are so so beautiful.
Kolleen, you started my journey by knowing I was scared and pointed it out to the people who needed to know so I could feel safe. I am so grateful for your intuition and nurturing. My red bracelet brought fresh blood to my wounds and helped to heal me.
Melissa, you reminded me that I need to find more time for my body. And that opening your heart is scary and I am not the only one that feels this way. Strong and reserved and somehow still carrying an open heart.
Meredith, you fed my body and soul and I didn't know food could have so much intention before so thank you for teaching me that. I can't wait to eat my vegetable with you again.
Eve, your spirit is sooooooooo soothing. I felt like I was connecting with someone from another world. I admire your heart.
Jennifer/Heather, I loved our walk. I loved our baller jacuzzi time. I loved when you were quiet and when you let lose and said the most amazingly right on things. I will be sending you foxy love on your marathon.
Tonia, you have the patience and heart of a Saint. Thank you for collaborating on my medicine pouch. I will treasure it always.
Jen Lake, San Diego calls us back and I am feeling like the luckiest person because I get to leave here and still see you. Rainbows, unicorns, giggles, and OLSPS . I can't wait to play again.
Denise, my wondeful bed mate. I am in awe of what you do. It's a beautiful thing to heal people through Art. I loved getting your energy while I slept. I think it was just what I needed.
Jeanette, I connected with your energy. It provided so much spiritual guidance these past few days. I feel your pain and I offer up my pain in hopes that you can be soothed at least a little bit.
Christine, every time I looked at you, your ever smiling eyes let me know I was in a safe place. You look at people with kindness and love and exude it. That is such a special gift.
Jen Jen Jen. Your beauty holds no bounds. The fox tail will sit on my baby alter in a place of honor and I will pray for the magic that it holds to join my soul. You guide, I'll follow.
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
It's like the hope eats me up inside because it is just out of my reach and I literally keep chasing it till I'm frustrated and exhausted.
And sometimes I get a teeny glimpse of what it would be to get it. I have moments of absolute confidence. Like last week when I went to the doctor and he told me that if I use a donor embryo I would have a 50% chance of success if I used one embryo and if I transferred two, I would have a 75% chance of success.
I ALMOST PASSED OUT. I teared up and it took all my power not to cry right there because I had so many questions to ask and didn't have time for an emotional break down. But I was DYING inside. HOW DID I NOW KNOW THIS OPTION EXISTED.
Wednesday, September 07, 2016
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
It only takes a minute. The world is all pretty and just floating along and then.
Sunday, August 07, 2016
Since I was a little girl my biggest dream was to get married and have a family. I was the kid that babysat every kid in the neighborhood from the time I was about 12 years old. I was the one that loved babies and that babies loved. I tell people I have a kid aura. That kids know that I will be good to them and care for them. I have prided myself all my life on what a good mother I am going to be.
Now, as the reality is settling in, I can see that I am going to be alone. I absolutely have to be. I don't mean alone as in without friends or support.
Monday, August 01, 2016
I share as an outlet and a release of all the things that build up inside me.
I share in hopes that I can soothe another heart.
I share to reveal me.
I am a visual person. So when I am feeling particularly raw, I try to get a physical representation of what that feeling is. I make something or I write it down/blog or I look for a meaningful quote or image. Today I wanted to see what I look like when I am sitting on the floor clinging to myself trying not to let fear and anxiety get the best of me.
As I looked at the photo, I saw that I was literally clinging to myself. I WANT TO BE CLINGING TO HOPE. I saw that I looked scared. Who is this person who looks so sad and lost. It can't possibly be me. With all the amazing things I have in my life. All the support and love I get to receive from friends and family. But today I am this person.
I can see it in my selfie.
I can see that I am wearing my turmoil on the outside.
I can see that I do not want to be this person.
It is a journey.
And my friends are on it with me. See what my friends did...
I'm so humbled and honored.
Friday, July 29, 2016
I have taken a step towards what I hope will allow me to be a mother. Something I have wanted all my life. That was the hard part, now the work begins. I am going to document my journey through blog posts and videos
First, lets talk about ADOPTION. It's not for me.
People immediately go there when they find out I have not been able to have children. I understand that it is natural to want to provide a solution and help when someone is having a hard time. Especially someone you care about, so I don't get hurt or offended anymore. However, at this time, I am not looking to adopt. I have done a lot of research and the realities of adoption don't fit into my life.
Adoption is not a bandaid that soothes the empty womb. It is an especially wonderful thing for people who are pure hearted and selfless and want to help a "needy" child. I use the word "needy" because that is the word people use with me, "There are a lot of needy kids out there that need a home." And there are.
But for my journey, I am still hoping to carry my own child. This is the first thing I will try.
I have a trio of friends that are championing my cause. Marisa, Jen and Ginamarie. I am honored that they are sistering me and being the support I need to find my Hope.
In March of this year, Marisa put together a Go Fund Me Campaign to help with the cost of getting started.
It goes against everything inside me to raise money for myself. It makes me extremely NERVOUS to put myself out there in this way and I have a great fear that people will get mad, think this is ridiculous, why should I give her money, who does she think she is, she's not sick, she's not needy.... These are just a few of the things the demons in my heart tell me.
A few days ago when I announced the heart breaking decision to leave a wonderful life with Paul, I wrote Marisa and said, "now I'm ready"
Since then we have both been doing more research and I have spoken to countless people about the direction I want to go and I have decided that I want to try to carry a donor embryo. This is not just a decision that I made. I have in the past tried many many things to get pregnant. I have been offered surrogacy, sperm, partnership and none of them have worked out. So this decision is made from experience and research and ultimately, I need to choose a doctor and find out if this is even a possibility given that I am almost 45 years old.
If it is possible for me to carry my own child, I will need help.
- My body does not produce enough eggs in a cycle to extract and have a viable set to implant. So I need an egg donor.
- I am single, so I need a sperm donor.
- The procedures for myself and the donors will cost about $30,000 for one round of IVF. Subsequent rounds are less because egg retrieval, if successful, is only done the first round.
My wish is that the egg and sperm donors will be someone that I know. I would love to have genetic background information and a connection with the people who contribute to this life I am hoping to have inside me.
So here it is. If you wish to help, I will be forever grateful.