Thursday, September 29, 2016
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
It's like the hope eats me up inside because it is just out of my reach and I literally keep chasing it till I'm frustrated and exhausted.
And sometimes I get a teeny glimpse of what it would be to get it. I have moments of absolute confidence. Like last week when I went to the doctor and he told me that if I use a donor embryo I would have a 50% chance of success if I used one embryo and if I transferred two, I would have a 75% chance of success.
I ALMOST PASSED OUT. I teared up and it took all my power not to cry right there because I had so many questions to ask and didn't have time for an emotional break down. But I was DYING inside. HOW DID I NOW KNOW THIS OPTION EXISTED.
Wednesday, September 07, 2016
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
It only takes a minute. The world is all pretty and just floating along and then.
Sunday, August 07, 2016
Since I was a little girl my biggest dream was to get married and have a family. I was the kid that babysat every kid in the neighborhood from the time I was about 12 years old. I was the one that loved babies and that babies loved. I tell people I have a kid aura. That kids know that I will be good to them and care for them. I have prided myself all my life on what a good mother I am going to be.
Now, as the reality is settling in, I can see that I am going to be alone. I absolutely have to be. I don't mean alone as in without friends or support.
Monday, August 01, 2016
I share as an outlet and a release of all the things that build up inside me.
I share in hopes that I can soothe another heart.
I share to reveal me.
I am a visual person. So when I am feeling particularly raw, I try to get a physical representation of what that feeling is. I make something or I write it down/blog or I look for a meaningful quote or image. Today I wanted to see what I look like when I am sitting on the floor clinging to myself trying not to let fear and anxiety get the best of me.
As I looked at the photo, I saw that I was literally clinging to myself. I WANT TO BE CLINGING TO HOPE. I saw that I looked scared. Who is this person who looks so sad and lost. It can't possibly be me. With all the amazing things I have in my life. All the support and love I get to receive from friends and family. But today I am this person.
I can see it in my selfie.
I can see that I am wearing my turmoil on the outside.
I can see that I do not want to be this person.
It is a journey.
And my friends are on it with me. See what my friends did...
I'm so humbled and honored.
Friday, July 29, 2016
I have taken a step towards what I hope will allow me to be a mother. Something I have wanted all my life. That was the hard part, now the work begins. I am going to document my journey through blog posts and videos
First, lets talk about ADOPTION. It's not for me.
People immediately go there when they find out I have not been able to have children. I understand that it is natural to want to provide a solution and help when someone is having a hard time. Especially someone you care about, so I don't get hurt or offended anymore. However, at this time, I am not looking to adopt. I have done a lot of research and the realities of adoption don't fit into my life.
Adoption is not a bandaid that soothes the empty womb. It is an especially wonderful thing for people who are pure hearted and selfless and want to help a "needy" child. I use the word "needy" because that is the word people use with me, "There are a lot of needy kids out there that need a home." And there are.
But for my journey, I am still hoping to carry my own child. This is the first thing I will try.
I have a trio of friends that are championing my cause. Marisa, Jen and Ginamarie. I am honored that they are sistering me and being the support I need to find my Hope.
In March of this year, Marisa put together a Go Fund Me Campaign to help with the cost of getting started.
It goes against everything inside me to raise money for myself. It makes me extremely NERVOUS to put myself out there in this way and I have a great fear that people will get mad, think this is ridiculous, why should I give her money, who does she think she is, she's not sick, she's not needy.... These are just a few of the things the demons in my heart tell me.
A few days ago when I announced the heart breaking decision to leave a wonderful life with Paul, I wrote Marisa and said, "now I'm ready"
Since then we have both been doing more research and I have spoken to countless people about the direction I want to go and I have decided that I want to try to carry a donor embryo. This is not just a decision that I made. I have in the past tried many many things to get pregnant. I have been offered surrogacy, sperm, partnership and none of them have worked out. So this decision is made from experience and research and ultimately, I need to choose a doctor and find out if this is even a possibility given that I am almost 45 years old.
If it is possible for me to carry my own child, I will need help.
- My body does not produce enough eggs in a cycle to extract and have a viable set to implant. So I need an egg donor.
- I am single, so I need a sperm donor.
- The procedures for myself and the donors will cost about $30,000 for one round of IVF. Subsequent rounds are less because egg retrieval, if successful, is only done the first round.
My wish is that the egg and sperm donors will be someone that I know. I would love to have genetic background information and a connection with the people who contribute to this life I am hoping to have inside me.
So here it is. If you wish to help, I will be forever grateful.
Monday, July 25, 2016
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
These buttons were a gift in so many ways!! They were a gift from the amazing artists that donated their artwork and allowed me to make buttons out of it. They were a gift to the beautiful souls that I got to meet and give a little gift to. Some people asked me if it was my artwork, and I shared that they were original artwork donated to Charity Wings by amazing artists from all over the world. It was nice. I would say, "you can look me up if you like" if they asked more about them but basically, what these buttons and these amazing women who let me share their artwork did was allow me to be Elena and do the things I love, meet people, give gifts, and make people smile. It was a perfect fit as far as small steps go. I still got to be me.
Friday, June 05, 2015
I'm trying to find peace. I've searched high and low for a local support group or network of people who have been unable to have children. I'm not talking about the people that are struggling with fertility. I've been one of those too and there are actually a lot of groups out there supporting people who are giving themselves shots every day, popping tons of pills, and forking out tens of thousands of dollars to try to have a baby. It's awful. I've done it. So I feel for those people, having been one. But now I'm on the other side of that. Not on the other side of the pain but on the other side of that journey because I can no longer try fertility treatments. I'm looking for people who have not been able Key word "able" not "didn't want" to have kids. Does anyone know of a group like that. Whatever the reason whether it be because, fertility treatments didn't work, or because they never found that special someone to have a baby with, or it just never happened, whatever the reason. I'm looking for people like me, that I can talk to who I can maybe even help through healing arts. But that definitely want and need to share.
Do you know anyone like me? Are you like me?
Please don't send me emails or messages about adoption. I am so grateful to those of you that have reached out to me in that way and shared your stories of adoption success. I think that is very special . Adoption is not something I'm considering right now.
Thanks for reading :)