Becoming a mother at 46 and the adventure of having a baby unicorn!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I swear you can't know.

"Flying in the dark with my broken wing"
There is just no way possible. You may have had a lot of hard things happen to you, but you still don't know.

Unless you are in the exact same situation as me, you can't possibly know what it is like.
Have you spent years trying to get pregnant?
Have you spent thousands of dollars and been poked, stuck with needles daily, had your female parts explored in painful ways and tested for a million things only to have no answers?
Have you watched your family and friends get pregnant, some more than once?
Have you attended and thrown many baby showers and kids birthday parties and been "auntie" over and over again?
Have you had friends tell you, "you can have mine" or "my kids will be birth control for you" or "you dont want to have kids, they tie you down" or a million other things that are meant to make you feel better but just make you horribly sad?
Do you get reminded every 25 days that you are a failure at the thing that your body is naturally supposed to be engineered to do?
Do you see the look of disappointment in your mother's face?
Are you the odd man out on Mother's Day?
Have you waited your whole life to be part of "the mommy club" but no matter what "you can never understand because you don't have kids."

Do you know that "Once you pass 40, time is pitiless. You have about a 5 percent chance of getting pregnant in any single ovulation cycle and By age 43, a woman's chance of pregnancy plummets to 1 or 2 percent." (source)

and that I will be 41 in 2 months.

The level of pain, agony and frustration.
You can't possibly know.

If you do know. I would love to hear from you.  If you have been through this but then gotten pregnant than trust me, you don't know although you probably can imagine.

Of course, even with all this, I am still a Happy People.  And I know that everyone has pain and this is mine.  I am so lucky, I am so fortunate and I have so much to live for. I just have moments when I feel like I am flying in the dark with my broken wing.

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

I get all Kubler-Ross sometimes.

Figuring out my path...

I spend a lot of time self reflecting and trying to figure out why I react to things the way I do.  I have had so many amazing things happen in my life and they definitely make me a happy people but its the yucky things that happen that sometimes rear their ugly heads and all the mean-ness comes out.

I hold on to certain things and I hate that.  It takes one person saying one thing to me and it can put my mind in a tail spin for weeks.  I will focus on what the person said and it will eat me up.  I get all Kubler-Ross and have a hard time letting some things go.   I go through all the stages from denial- and hopefully to acceptance.  Not always to acceptance though.

I wonder if I am ever good enough. As happy as I am, I don't think I am ever good enough for me.  My life always feels like it is in such a state of flux. I never have a really good grasp on it.  I get scared to take real steps to make real big things happen for fear of failing.

I think I am scared that some day I will realize I am hiding behind some mask and the real me will be green and warty and selfish and not a good person.

Not sure why I am questioning so much right now but maybe it is because I have so much change coming in my life.  The Art Center is going to be amazing but I definitely have to free up some other things in my life to truly make that a success.  Its a little crazy!  I do feel a little