My ramblings as a lover of adventure, all things crafty,art, life, and mostly bacon....

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I swear you can't know.

"Flying in the dark with my broken wing"
There is just no way possible. You may have had a lot of hard things happen to you, but you still don't know.

Unless you are in the exact same situation as me, you can't possibly know what it is like.
Have you spent years trying to get pregnant?
Have you spent thousands of dollars and been poked, stuck with needles daily, had your female parts explored in painful ways and tested for a million things only to have no answers?
Have you watched your family and friends get pregnant, some more than once?
Have you attended and thrown many baby showers and kids birthday parties and been "auntie" over and over again?
Have you had friends tell you, "you can have mine" or "my kids will be birth control for you" or "you dont want to have kids, they tie you down" or a million other things that are meant to make you feel better but just make you horribly sad?
Do you get reminded every 25 days that you are a failure at the thing that your body is naturally supposed to be engineered to do?
Do you see the look of disappointment in your mother's face?
Are you the odd man out on Mother's Day?
Have you waited your whole life to be part of "the mommy club" but no matter what "you can never understand because you don't have kids."

Do you know that "Once you pass 40, time is pitiless. You have about a 5 percent chance of getting pregnant in any single ovulation cycle and By age 43, a woman's chance of pregnancy plummets to 1 or 2 percent." (source)

and that I will be 41 in 2 months.

The level of pain, agony and frustration.
You can't possibly know.

If you do know. I would love to hear from you.  If you have been through this but then gotten pregnant than trust me, you don't know although you probably can imagine.

Of course, even with all this, I am still a Happy People.  And I know that everyone has pain and this is mine.  I am so lucky, I am so fortunate and I have so much to live for. I just have moments when I feel like I am flying in the dark with my broken wing.


3 comments:

huntla1 said...

My prayers go out for you today. This one, I don't know. I don't like to see my happy people sad.

Elena Lai Etcheverry said...

ah, dear laurie. Its just a moment. it passes :) can't wait to see you. it will make me a much happier people.

Linda Chilcott said...

I do know what you are feeling and I have felt this way since 1979 when I had to have a hysterectomy and I gave baby showers for many friends. Then to be told by the mothers that they would trade places with me or I could have the kids anytime I want. Finally met Peter in 1980 and we have been married 32 years, when he was in the Army tried to adopt but that was not what anyone to hear in the 80's..Christmas and Mother's Day( my parents are both gone)is the hardest for me. Still get mad when someone asks us if we have kids, when we say no they act as if we are very selfish like we did not want kids... But we have furbag babies that are rotten to the core.
Elena from what I seen with the little boy on your lap Sunday you can tell he really loves you. I feel God gives everyone a road map to life and we seem to go off at times. I see parents that don't even want the kids then give them to someone that will give them a great home. YOU ARE an Angel to so many charties, friends, animals and kids maybe this is your road map..
As for being Forty two lets trade ages like now you do not even look 30!! I just love seeing the happy person you are and just want to see you being able to be happy all the time. I know about the bad days, but I will be thinking of you. You have a special place in my heart because you are such a special person to so many.
Linda C