Becoming a mother at 46 and the adventure of having a baby unicorn!

Thursday, July 03, 2014

I will fight you!

Yes, I only post when I am having profound moments in my life.

I have been fighting off depression lately and debating whether or not to post on my blog.  For some reason, putting it out there for the universe to see, judge, and analyze helps me.

So it's here.

If you know anyone who has fought the stressful/frustrating/devastating/hopeless/painful/gut wrenching battle of infertility or if you have fought this battle then you know that the depression comes and goes.  There are times in my life when I feel like I will be ok without ever having the experience of being a mother. Then there are times when I think I might die from the emptiness that I feel in my heart.  I struggle with the reason I exist if not to do what I am naturally supposed to do.

My body has betrayed me and I have no way to separate myself from the painful stab to my heart that it gives me every month when it reminds me that I am not a whole person.

Every month when I get my period I want to scream at the injustice and ridiculousness of it.  I hate myself for having a pity party ever when I know that I am truly so blessed and I have an amazing life that is so full of love and happiness that it is disgusting to every feel sorry for myself.

I am not looking for sympathy or for people to tell me how lucky I am and that I am a mother to many and that it might still happen and all those other things that are truly sweet and with good intentions but that honestly just don't change my feelings.

I am just putting this out in the universe so that people may understand me a little better, may be able to relate and know they are not alone if they are going through this too, and remind people that sometimes that twinkle in my eye is actually a tear burning to escape.


Kazan Clark said...

beautifully shared. Wish I had given you an extra hug when I saw you this weekend!

Karen Poirier-Brode said...


Lura said...

i would give anything just to be able to hold you in my arms and let you cry, talk, scream, yell, whatever and comfort you however possible. feeling helpless and wishing there were the words or actions i could do to help you. know that you are loved and my shoulder is always available. sending you warm, gentle hugs with part of my heart broken along with you. xoxo

Shonna Bucaroff said...

My heart goes out to you. I Love you girlie and am hear if you need me.

Sabine Reljic said...

You are brave to share this painful fight out in the open. I do not know about infertility except what other friends of mine have been through. I have no suggestion, but sister support to offer you. I do know about depression, though; and that's a place I would never wish on my worst enemy. I am glad that our path finally met. Crafting has been an incredible spirit lifting way of life, specifically crafting with recycling/upcycling and charity in mind. I am sending you a bacon-wrapped hug (sorry about the nibble in one corner. I love bacon too :-)

JKK said...

I have been there and it is hard and sucky and I wanted pity and I hated pity all at once. I understand completely. 6 miscarriages and no babies later at age 48 I am at peace. You are whole. With or without babies, you are whole.

If you want to chat, Facebook inbox me.

tammie said...

What an amazing share, sweet Elena, and I'm sorry that you're hurting. Sending luv your way.

tina cockburn said...

We tried to conceive for about two years before adopting, which had been our plan. We have three kids now through adoption, and my life is very full. However, every month, I'm sad. Every. Single. Month. And soon I won't have a period anymore and I don't know if that will be a relief to finally put that fruitless hope to rest, or the final blow to my grief over infertility. I wish I had some magic words to make it better, but we both know that's not possible. Sending you hugs and prayers.

zunaira mehar said...

You certainly deserve a round of applause for your post and more specifically, your blog in general. Very high quality material.
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Sally Lynn MacDonald-inkyheart said...

Dear, Elena, I hear you and I know what you're going through. For my part I had been married for 12 years and had never had any success getting pregnant. I counted Christmases. After 3 failed IVF attempts and the doctor who told me I would never have a child of my own, we were successful on our fourth IVF with another clinic. My sister went through the same struggle and created her family by adopting her two children. And my best friend has never had children of her own, but is the most wonderful Aunt and giving to charities of her time. Still another friend wanted desperately to have a child but it never worked out for them and yet we are all completely jealous of them as they go and sail the Caribbean for months. They nuture the family of the two of them. The heart wants what the heart wants... It is my hope and my wish for you that you get everything your heart desires. Much love, SL

Jody Hall said...

You have been blessed with so much love for life and people. God has a plan and you are in it. Keep the faith my sweet friend.