Yes, I only post when I am having profound moments in my life.
I have been fighting off depression lately and debating whether or not to post on my blog. For some reason, putting it out there for the universe to see, judge, and analyze helps me.
So it's here.
If you know anyone who has fought the stressful/frustrating/devastating/hopeless/painful/gut wrenching battle of infertility or if you have fought this battle then you know that the depression comes and goes. There are times in my life when I feel like I will be ok without ever having the experience of being a mother. Then there are times when I think I might die from the emptiness that I feel in my heart. I struggle with the reason I exist if not to do what I am naturally supposed to do.
My body has betrayed me and I have no way to separate myself from the painful stab to my heart that it gives me every month when it reminds me that I am not a whole person.
Every month when I get my period I want to scream at the injustice and ridiculousness of it. I hate myself for having a pity party ever when I know that I am truly so blessed and I have an amazing life that is so full of love and happiness that it is disgusting to every feel sorry for myself.
I am not looking for sympathy or for people to tell me how lucky I am and that I am a mother to many and that it might still happen and all those other things that are truly sweet and with good intentions but that honestly just don't change my feelings.
I am just putting this out in the universe so that people may understand me a little better, may be able to relate and know they are not alone if they are going through this too, and remind people that sometimes that twinkle in my eye is actually a tear burning to escape.