Becoming a mother at 46 and the adventure of having a baby unicorn!

Sunday, March 27, 2016

I've been encouraged to write on my blog.  I am motivated but I am sitting here looking at a blank page.

Writing on my blog means going "there" and "there" is the every present, relentless, ruthless, pain of being childless that just won't go away!!!

There is something special about denial.  It lets you get through the day when all you want to do is crawl in a dark hole and scream and cry till your eyes close shut permanently with your tears.  This is how I feel inside.  You would not know this because I smile.  I say the things I am supposed to say. I play nice with the world because I am here and I am not a coward so I will not take this life for granted.  It's an amazing life. Filled with the highest highs and conversely, the lowest lows. Those lows live in my heart.  So don't worry. I don't feel this way all the time.
It's only when I let the vail of denial slip down.
Just to take a peak.
Just for a few seconds.
That this happens.

And the bad part about that is that I can't act on what might possibly make me better.  I can't bring myself to go through one more round of failed fertility treatments. I can't bear the thought of being in such despair and so non-functioning as a human that I let this self pity lead me away from what I really really really want.

I want the challenge to give me hope, to make me strong but it doesn't.

It's hard to be strong when your body is the only body you have and it just won't ...

If I could do something.

Maybe I am looking at this all wrong.  I am not sure. Maybe because I am so wrapped up in my failure I can't see straight.  It would be different if I were not going through this alone.  It would be different if I wasn't sacrificing the happiness I have now for a possibility at happiness.  Ah, so there it is. The unknown.  That is what scares me the most. So as I sit here writing and having my own pity party, I find my truth.

I am scared of the unknown.

No, wait a minute.  I am not.  This doesn't make sense.  I am not scared of the unknown.

I am scared of trying again.

Wait.  am I being honest with myself?

I don't want to spend $15,000 on failed fertility treatments.

Getting closer.

I would have to give up Charity Wings to work on something that will make money so I can save money to spend $15,000 on fertility treatments that might not work and by the time I am able to save that kind of money I would be an even smaller statistic of success stories.

Oh.  Did I just say that?  I'm so confused.