Becoming a mother at 46 and the adventure of having a baby unicorn!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Its the happy things that matter....

I wish so much that I could just be a happy people all the time.  Unfortunately life is so darn hard sometimes!  Finding your path, finding what you are supposed to do. Making decisions that will affect everything.  Its so hard!

Where is the light?

Im frustrated and confused and not sure which path I am supposed to be on.

Do I just give up and join someone elses cause?

I know that the reason people dont often ask me to do things is because they think I am really busy. And I am. I am busy running a company with a few great volunteers that give as many hours a week as they can. And two people that I pay to help me with administrative duties.

So here is the problem. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. And the end is really close.

I promised my family that I would have income by the end of this year.  I am half way there and I dont see how to make that happen.  Its just not proving to be possible to grow an organization (with mostly volunteer help) to the point that I am take a salary out. 

So what do I do? At this point Charity Wings has grown so big that I as one person am not able to keep up.  Some major shifts happened this year to make it even harder to keep it going as well.  There are just specific things that need to happen every week and every single one of those things needs my input. I am not able to just hand things over to someone and expect it to be done.  That is the problem.

So, yes, I am busy. And that means I dont get asked to do things very often. And that means that I miss out on being social other than what I do for work.  Well, can you call it work if you dont get paid.  I dont know.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

One of those strong.

It happens sometimes. A day that just keeps getting worse and worse.  Until you are in such a state that all you want to do is lay your head down and cry. And then the doubt sets in.  Why is it when you are in this state you start to doubt everything about everything.  I hate second guessing myself.

I believe I was put on this earth to do things for others. There is nothing I feel more confident in than my ability to take care of people that need me.   I take that skill and work every day knowing that if I stay true to who I am, I will be doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing.

So why does the doubt still come?  Sometimes I am weak.

So what I really really really want it so be strong enough to know that I am doing the right thing.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Interrupting...Have you seen this girl?

How does art disappear? I made my first Suzi Blu art and then I got to assist her at "Inspired" which was so fun and awesome.  Suzi and I made a great team!

But somehow the piece didnt make it home with her...

Its not the first time that something I have made has not made it back to me but it bums me out a little. The piece is even cuter now because i added a little crown hat and some wings that my friends at Inspired gave me.  And I added bling!

So someone has my treasured piece. It probably made it home with someone on accident so I thought I'd put a call out and see if anyone has seen it :)

It has my initials on the bottom "ele" so I don't think anyone can mistake it for their own.  Or maybe some sticky fingers at the hotel got it.  Suzi is missing some of her step outs too.  Not sure why someone would take those though cause they are unfinished art... but Suzi is amazing so maybe they just wanted something she had touched hee hee!

Ahh well.  Still a happy people.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Redesigning Elena...the traveling princess-artist-do-gooder (Part 5)

Life does have its twists and turns and challenges.  If we run away from them we miss the lesson.  I am definitely here to learn so that I can grow and be a better person and more genuine to who I am everyday.

I am a Happy People.

and I am an Artist.

What I really really really want it to learn from life's challenges.

Elena creates...

My awesome friends Sarah and Jonas are getting married this weekend at my other awesome friend Maureen's winery in Paso Robles.  I am going to coordinate their day and I made a banner for them.  I can't wait to give it to them.  Just gotta string it together and I am done :)  She said Burlap and Lavender.  and really simple. I hope I got it right!

And this week was my Cool Scrapbook Club Crop. We have merged both of my clubs into one crop and it was so much fun! There were 22 of us this time and I actually showed up!  Everyone brought yummy food and I brought a make and take. 

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Redesigning Elena...the traveling princess-artist-do-gooder (Part 4)

Looking forward and Blue Skies Ahead!

On my journey to figure out what I really really really want, I had to visit some not so great places in my head and my heart.  I had to really dig deep and make sure that the things I thought I really want are things I really really really want!

So I have a friend G. She makes art and we chat and I've known her for a long time and she is one of my best friends. She gets happy when I am happy and she gets sad when I am sad.  She has been there for me and I have been there for her and it's been really nice.  She has 3 kids. They are awesome but not perfect and she loves them unconditionally no matter what.  I want that.  I want kids that I can love unconditionally.

I got unconditional love from my parents. My father, even though he is certifiable in many ways, always let me know that he loved me unconditionally. And as for my mother, I knew she loved me but sometimes I thought she wouldn't love me if I did certain things. And then I would do them and she would love me still. She would pick me up and brush me off. She would take care of me even if I was in another country, she would do anything she could to ease my sadness and she just couldnt bear to see my suffer.  She loved me unconditionally imperfections and screw ups and all..  My friend G loves her kids unconditionally

that is what I really really really want.  I want to be a mother that loves her kids unconditionally. 

I had a guest come to my last Outside The Book Meeting last week. Fran is awesome.  She taught us a form of resin art and it was very fun!  Here is Fran in one of my traditional poses :)

And here are the pieces I made:
 this is one of my most poignant moments in my life.  Everything changed on this night.  I added 3-D wings as the resin was drying.. one is broken. I love my broken wing art.
the piece above i made wings out of little plastic leaves.  I used a heart shaped button and then i made the word "fly" out of wire.  It's happy and sparkly and its my future.

 And this one with the  little girl is going in my purse.  putting it back out into the universe... stranger things have happened :)

I made more pieces but im tired of posting now so maybe later.

Redesigning Elena...excuse the interruption

Dear D,

I dont have any other way to communicate with you so I'm reaching out here...You don't know me other than my blog and your perceptions, and I dont know you other than what I hear, but I want you to know that I understand you are hurting. You may be stressed trying to keep your life normal for yourself and your kids and I can't imagine how hard that must be.  I believe you are a good person and you are reacting to the situation with anger and jealousy because it is natural.  I am going to ignore the things you say about me because I want to come from a place of compassion and I know that there may come a time in the future when we have to have contact and I want to alleviate as much uncomfortableness as possible.  It's a hard journey and I have been through it and I wish you luck.


Monday, June 06, 2011

Redesigning Elena...the traveling princess-artist-do-gooder (Part 3)

Im back at my desk after another fun weekend. I dont know how I get to have such an awesome life but I do!  On Wednesday last week I spent part of the evening doing art with some lovely ladies at Scripps Encinitas. These women are battling different types of Cancer and I got invited to teach them how to make jewelry.  Nothing feels better to me than this.  Making someone else happy with my art. These photos are from a different day a couple of months ago. These women were so sweet and some let me take their picture. (I had to get some photos, I am asian after all!)

and I printed these photos for them and mailed them to them. Two of them sent me thank you notes that I will cherish.

These women and their caregivers are going through something so much bigger than anything I have ever gone through and it was an honor to get to spend a little time with them teaching them something that might make their journey even the slightest bit better.

This taught me something else I really really really want....I want to make people happy with my art.  Whether I am selling my art, giving it away, teaching it, using it to raise money for worthy  causes, no matter what it is, I want this....

Friday, June 03, 2011

Redesigning Elena...the traveling princess-artist-do-gooder (Part 2)

What do I really really really want...

Part 1 was having this question asked of me and letting it sit for about a year... till Suzi Blu reminded me that I really really really want to make art.

And there are others who have helped me find my way....

My young friend Jesse. She is one of my best friends.  I have known her for like 8 years, since she was in highschool.  When I lived in Taiwan, she came to visit me and it was such a different time. When I left my husband, she was the first one to take me out and get me back to being me.

I knew when I left my husband that it was time.  I knew that if I did not leave I would end up cheating on him and I couldn't do that to him.  He deserved so much more than that. He deserved my respect and he always had it. Even though we were not right for each other, it was one of the saddest things I have ever lived through.

Jesse helped me realize that another thing I really really really want is to always come from a place of LOVE AND COMPASSION.  

I want to see the positive in people and treat them according to what I know is good about them and not according to how they might hurt me. To always know that "hurt people, hurt people" but that even the most miserable unhappy people have goodness in them. 

So I made some art and it made me feel good...

I have two "book clubs" that I run each month.  They are both based on creative idea books in the art and crafting industry. Each month we meet and and socialize and do crafty things.  And every 3 months we do a swap. This cycle we each made an ATC card with one letter. My letter was "F".  I was inspired by my new friend Fran Valera from Little Windows. An awesome resin company. I am super into resin right now and as I type this I have 4 pieces curing on my table! Fran is a super star so I had to have a nice shiny star on this piece!

and I made jewelry.  This one has more beads than the one a couple posts back. so its lays different but I like it still.  I made a bracelet to match with the leftover charms.  This piece has a "hidden mickey"!  Come on Disney fans! Tell me you think that is cool!

And then there is Sheila my personal Angel. She has been a huge part of why Charity Wings was able to stay afloat while I had my own personal midlife crisis.  She keeps me on track and makes me realize that I am not just Charity Wings. That I deserve to have a life outside of this organization and that if for some reason, I have to walk away from it, It will be ok.

She freed me up to find another thing I really really really want...I want to be more than Charity Wings. I want to get back to being known as a creative mind, teacher and a fierce friend.

I am so lucky...I am a super happy people. 

Thursday, June 02, 2011

We interrupt Redesigning Elena for a quick indulgent post :)

Sometimes you are just a Happy People.

and sometimes it is because things happen that you never possibly expected and they are good.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Redesigning Elena...the traveling princess-artist-do-gooder (Part 1)

(This is going to take several blog posts but I promise it will be worth it.  Wait till you see!)

Which do I want to be associated with?

ALL OF THEM! I am finally at a point in my life, a year and half after leaving my husband and starting on this new journey where I am coming out of my fog and ready to find the answers to the question..."What do I really really really want?"

This is me and Melody Ross at Brave Girls Camp.  I went 4 times last year and it was a life changing experience. She asked us this question at camp about a year ago and I just about lost it trying to figure it out.  So I just let it go... and didn't answer it. And maybe since then it has been in the back of my mind and now, I am finally getting to it... "What do I really really really want?"

So, there are some people that have helped me figure this out.... Its going to take a few posts but I am going to document this journey...  It started with Melody and then a year later, it resurfaced with Suzi Blu.

Suzi is always trying to get me to do art. To share my art and teach my art. She pushes me to promote me...not just Charity Wings. She tells me I am an artist.

On the left is Suzi and I at the first event she helped me at. On the right is me and  Suzi on our way to an event where I got to help her!  I got to be Elena an artist 1st and charity do-gooder 2nd.  It was strange and nice and different.

Suzi helped me remember that I need to be me first.  And I will do my best work when I am feeding my creativity.  And when I keep my creative glass full, I can do amazing things for others.

Thank you Melody for asking the question.

Thank you Suzi for getting me started in answering it.

The first thing I really really really want is to have time to create art.