Becoming a mother at 46 and the adventure of having a baby unicorn!

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Come and get it!!!

Im a new homeowner!! It's my first time and I feel great!

Wow, I really didn't know when this day would ever come. It has been a month since we started the escrow process and I am finally moving in. I am about 70% moved. that means 100% unpacked but it is official. I have waaaay too much stuff. So I am going to diligently go through boxes this week, and hopefully next week will start taking visitors to pick through and take away whatever they can.

I know so many of you want my stuff. I have already had a few calls saying "I get first crack at it!" Trust me, its gooooood stuff! And some crap too :)

And believe it or not, I need stuff! Crazy huh? I need things like a cool paper towel holder

trash cans for the 3 pottys


patio furniture

a bacon grease screen

a cheese grater

A garden hoseAn iron and ironing boardSooooo.... Want some of my stuff? Come and get it and leave me a donation to help me get the stuff I actually need!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


I love finished projects! If I sit down to do something it has to be finished or I know it wont get finished later. I never finish the unfinished projects! Lame I know...

So here are

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

OMG!! I know what my story is!!

I have a story! I didnt think I did. but I know what it is now!!

pretend it my picture and my name :)

People always ask me why I started Scrapbook Royalty and I say "because it is what I know how to do and I can do it well" But the real reason I stared Scrapbook Royalty, and I mean what it is today, not just a group of women having fun Scrapbooking and raising money for charity, the real reason I started SBR is because I needed to fill the gaping hole left in my life and in my heart from not being able to be a mother. I can't believe it took me so long to get this out of my mouth. Dang Brave Girls Camp!! Making me Grow!!

My whole life what I have dreamed of is having a husband and family with cute mixed babies... everyone knew I was going to end up with a non-asian husband. Heck I wanted to get surgury on my eyes to make them big and round all my teen years!
i pulled this picture off my other blog...

ok, so back to my story...Mine is not a fairy tale... not a traditional one anyway...

i have not read this book but it has peaked my curiosity

But that is what i had dreamed of... that was all i wanted and i spent my life falling in"love" over and over again, looking for the boy that wanted to marry me and make my dreams come true. Then I found one that looked really good. My mom had even checked his credit since she did his home loan ;) but the truth is, he was a good man who wanted to take care of me and would never cheat on me or leave me. So he got me and for a couple of years I figured we wouldn't try for a baby yet so I started Scrapbook Royalty and did a couple of events that first year. I loved that I had this awesome company to sink my heart and passion into. That I was good at it was a bonus and that I got to meet so many amazing people changed my life.

When we started the baby journey I thought, "easy, go off the pill and you get pregnant" But really, i had gone off the pill long before and didnt even think about the fact that I didnt get pregnant. I just thought we were careful with the dates and that i knew my body so well. What a surprise when we didnt get pregnant and then when we COULDN'T get pregnant. And then not knowing why. Why was this happening? My body and soul were rejecting him. the fates were not going to give in, I was not going to have a family with this man. Every month i would get my period and it would send me into a deep depression, It would be another knife stabbing me in my heart. the only thing that would keep me going is my non-profit and the sense of worthiness that i felt there. The community that needed me and that I needed right back.

And so I threw myself into Scrapbook Royalty and it saved me. It gave me purpose, it became my child that I nurtured and watched grow. It made me happy and I knew that if I left the planet that day, that moment, I would be leaving something beautiful on this planet. Scrapbook Royalty saved me.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Really needing to re-think this...

Life changing experiences...

What am I doing? I have spread myself so thin... nothing is getting enough of my attention and my commitment to the things I really want to do is wavering... I am not sure what it is but I know that I need to get my head straight. As of right now, I am still really struggling to get my life in order. I find myself spinning my wheels and I feel very off balance...

even my shadow is unbalanced

I know that moving to my new place, hopefully this week, getting my things out of storage, and getting rid of tons of stuff is really going to help. It is a blur the stuff in storage. I dont even know what I packed, what I took, didnt take, what i need. Its all a blur. That first 3 months of the divorce process really really really are lost to me.

So, being at Brave Girls Camp was really helpful in so many ways.

laughing with beautiful brave girl Brittany

I discovered some things about myself I didn't realize before. I have always thought of myself as an open book, as someone that does not have a problem saying almost anything in front of people and who does not hide myself from the world. Well, that is turning out to not be 100% true. I am totally able to write on this blog and on my "live worth living blog" but when it comes to talking out loud- believe it or not, I am not that good at it. I can talk in front of a crowd of women at an event. I can tell people what to do all day long but talking about myself to a group... well, that is a challenge to me. and I learned this about my self at Brave Girls Camp. Every time it came to me to speak, I immediately reverted to my comfortable Founder of Scrapbook Royalty persona and just talked about my non-profit. And basically "promoted it" but what I really wanted to share, what I would have loved to let out into the universe was my story, my pain, my grief, and my experience.

this is what it looks like when brave girls share

It was not until the last day of the camp, and literally, the last minute of the whole thing that I was finally able to say something real. I took out my computer and read my blog post from September of last year about "it". Oh boy was that hard!!!

Art I created at Brave Girls Camp

I thought it would be easy, i could share with these wonderful women whom I had come to love and adore, and i would be reading it so i would not have to worry about tripping over my words or sounding stupid. But holy crow! it was so hard. Reading the words and speaking the words out loud are profoundly different! It was hard to speak because I was crying so much. I have not cried like that in months. I turned to Melody who was sitting next to me and said," I have yet to bawl at Brave Girls Camp" and here I was, heart and soul exposed, but feeling better that I finally got to share my story. Like I said, it was the last minute of the camp, literally, so I didn'tt get much feedback but one of the people who talked to me about it was Grandma Myrna Jean.

Grandma Myrna Jean

She and I have bonded in such a loving way through these two camps. I just love her. She is the
epitome of a loving person whom you could just curl up with and feel so safe and loved. She thanked me for sharing my story, she said she didn't know what I had been through and was happy to have that information and that she loved me. It just made me happy to know that people who care about me got a chance to see the real me. Not hiding behind Scrapbook Royalty and "doing good" but the real me with tears on my face and all exposed.

Brave Girls Bus

On the bus ride down the mountain back to the airport, I spoke with Maureen, Rhonda, and Angela about SBR and where to go from here. Rachel and Sally were there giving feedback as well. it was so great. and they really opened my eyes to some things. The main thing is that I don't have a story... Sad isn't it. But so true! Scrapbook Royalty is not as successful as it can be because i don't have a story to tell that moves people. it is not enough to want to help creative people give. it needs to be for a reason. So i am going to come up with my story. I am going to share how Scrapbook Royalty saved me and how it has helped so many people. I am going to walk towards the "heart" and get to the soul of what is driving me and find a way to convey that to people in a way that motivates them to move and help...

Group photo fun on the dock

I will never forget the amazing women I met at this brave girls camp. They opened their hearts and they made me feel like I could fly. thank you ladies for all your love and support. I love you all!