My ramblings as a lover of adventure, all things crafty,art, life, and mostly bacon....

Friday, September 11, 2009

What is "it"?

After a serious outpouring of love and support through my blog, emails phone calls, and fb messages, I am deciding that i am ready to talk about "it".

"it"-

The painful but right decision to move on from this marriage.

the "it" factor-

I am 37 and although i know that is young for some, it is old for me when i look at what i had hoped to accomplish in my lifetime. The main thing is to become a mother. At this point in time, i will never accomplish this goal with my husband and i will not be fulfilled or content to live a life without children. This is not the only reason but the one i can openly share.


Everyday just takes me one step farther from the life i want to lead and it is has created a valley of resentment that holds a marriage worth of anxiety and issues.
.
"it" is over-
.
It has taken all my strength to tell him that I am leaving. I knew it was my one chance to really tell him how I felt. There was no need to fear a fight, there was just the agony of all the pain i was causing.
.
Now that i walked that plank, the water actually feels refreshing. For a while there, drowning would have been preferable.
.
He listened and then responded and in the end, he didn't fight for me and i am grateful to him for that. Because he is such a good man and if only...
.
"it" is time

So now after having a week long pity party for myself and hearing from tons of friends and family. I am brushing myself off and pulling myself back into the life I know I am destined for. I don't just say i am a happy people- I really really am. I know that I will survive this. I have never doubted that. The pain and heartache just got in the way of seeing a clear alternate path.


Coming out from a haze inevitably makes the sunshine brighter. I needed that to be able to see where I am going.
.
So, no more mountain analogies. I am fine. I will be great. life is beautiful and I can see that with great pain will come great hapiness and I will be a happy people again.

and that is "it"-

To those of you that have reached out to me with words of wisdom and shared your own stories of pain, thank you. Thank you for showing me that life happens to us all and I am not alone.


Feeling pain means you are alive and with tomorrow comes another day of challenges and struggles but you have to find the hapiness and make it yours.
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So I look forward to what tomorrow brings and my Happy People adventure continues.

21 comments:

Meg said...

*hugs* So sorry for your pain, but so proud of you for doing what was right for you. I know that you will move past this and end up with the life you want and deserve.

Kristi B. said...

I know how hard this decision can be, but I also know of the GREAT things that can be found because of it. I wish you all the happiness in the world. You are awesome! {HUGS}

Euphoria said...

Oh Elena- I'm so sorry! You are in my prayers for sure!!!

Like Judy Garland sang... forget your troubles, come on, get happy!

V Bell said...

I am sorry for your struggle and pain. You are SO right that happiness will be yours again. You do so much to bring happiness and joy to others - you deserve it for yourself too. Best wishes during your journey ahead.

Such a Wondrous Place this Faery Space said...

Everyone who comes into our world was a choice that keeps us learning and growing. It is why we are who we are, paths we set and they are perfect in that we couldn't walk the next one without where we have been. I send you blessings and you know how much they mean from me. Your light is so bright even through all of this and you are so strong. Love, Amy

Ghia said...

I think you're a brave woman for talking about "it" so openly...sending strength your way...

Christine said...

Elena, thanks for sharing this... you are so courageous to make this move. Best wishes.

Teri said...

You are such an amazing person. You are so brave for sharing your pain as generously as you share your joys. I hope the worst is over and that you can soon see the rainbow and know everything will be ok. *hugs*

Sweet Escape said...

big hug lady!!! I'm sure this is something very difficult to endure!!!..don't worry though, there is always light at the end of the tunnel..you are a strong fairy!!!

Kat said...

My friend...
It's one of the hardest things in the world to live through, but you will. You will not only LIVE through it but you'll be so much wiser about what you will and will not accept in your life. You know that I pray for you and wish you all that I would want for myself. Also, I feel compelled to tell you that I see you with a little baby girl. Hmmmm! I can't wait to be part of the next chapter of your life. Much love, Kat

Silke said...

Dear Elena, I am so sorry you are going through something so difficult at the moment. It sounds like you are being true to yourself and are already feeling your life change for the better. Sending you lots of love! Silke

julie Haymaker thompson said...

Dearest Elena, You are so brave and right to share this with us the biggest and hardest step is now over. I struggled with sharing some of my pain on my blog but did it and it was freeing . I to felt that release and peace with sharing. Now the healing can begin. I felt so strongly as I read your post that this was a very hard choice . But being true to ourselves is what it is all about as we are the only one of us there will ever be and the goals and dreams inside us are meant to be followed. If you give those up in a way you miss out on why you were put here. You must be true to your dreams so you can be true to why you are here. The future will tell you if children are in the picture or not but your pursuit of that desire was given to you and you must pursue it and see where it leads. It is for a reason and is part of your journey All things in life are. If we follow your hearts then our life will all make sense and come together in perfect harmony, the good part and the bad parts too. My heart will be with you HUgs Julie

Tumble Fish Studio said...

Hi Elena. I am so sorry to hear your sad news and know that you have been hurting. For some reason, I've seen a lot of heart ache in a lot of people lately and I think we need to start taking your Happy People global! hee hee I don't mean to make light of your situation, just want you to smile. That is what first struck me about you, how happy you seem. So I hope in this next chapter of your life your smiles are a true reflection of your life and you find many happy adventures and a peaceful heart.

yoborobo said...

Elena - I came here from Marsha's blog. I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now. As a veteran of this myself, I will say, "Better Days Ahead!!!" And as a side note, I had my 1st kid when I was 32, and I had three more after. :) Older moms rock! LOL!!! xox Pam

Trish said...

COMES THE DAWN.

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company isn't security.

After awhile you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain and the inevitable has a way of crumbling in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you stand too long in one place.

So, you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.

And you learn you really can endure, that you really do have worth. You learn that with every good-bye comes the dawn.

Jolee Jane said...

Love you for all that you are:::
Strong, resillient, fun, determined,generous,inventive,beautiful,compassionate,incredibly creative,dependable(to name a few).One day a child will get the chance to call this amazing woman her Mommy.
Jolee Jane

Angela said...

Oh E =( That is such a hard, hard thing to do, I am sure. You are such a goal oriented person, though- you will make it through this with grace and determination just like you do with all the other amazing things you tackle. I am looking forward to seeing how you take this challenge and turn it into something beautiful.

Debby said...

Elena, your stregth does not cease to amaze me. You are a true hero to have the strength, even when it involves hard decisions and a redrect in life, make life YOURS. God bless you.

Chris said...

Elena. I am so sorry to hear how you have been struggling. I have just changed my life path (for the second time) and I know how hard it is. 20 years ago I changed my life path, and a son was born. When I was 38. And he is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. If it is meant for you, it is not too late to allow it to happen. You are so strong, cheerful, energetic, and full of life. Your life will be good again, I just know it!!
Chris

Jodi at Joy Discovered said...

Hi Elena,
I am sorry for all that you are going through right now. I know you are strong-and vibrantly happy, and I know you definitely will get through this. Think how wise you will be once you're on the other side! I am so very proud of you for admitting your truth. It takes a lot of courage to speak out on what it is you really need and want out of your life. Big hugs to you. xoxo, Jodi

Krystie said...

Elena, It's been weeks since I have read a blog, posted on a blog, thought about a blog....but today when I read your email I knew it was time to get my butt in gear. I am here for you my friend. I know your emotions must be on overdrive. You are so strong, and such a light to so many people. May your light shine EVEN BRIGHTER now that you have made the decision to move on .....and start life anew. Take a nice deep breath and know you have so many amazing friends that will pick you up when you are down.
xoxoxo
Krystie