Becoming a mother at 46 and the adventure of having a baby unicorn!

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

I have to try harder.

I need strength.  This is so hard.  I hate it.

I don't blog often and I hesitate to blog now but I have to. I have to get this out of me.  It's tearing me apart from the inside.

I have blogged before about my struggle with infertility and my deepest desire to have a child.  (post is here)

And last night I was on the phone with my friend Natasha and she really helped me sort through some underlying pain. The reality of it is, I spend every day of my life trying to fill a hole in my heart that is so huge and deep that no matter what happens, no matter what I do, it won't go away.  Everyone has their "stuff" to deal with and this is mine. 

I have to refocus my energy to make my life complete. I have to find my child.  There is a small heart out there looking for me and I am not trying hard enough. So I am refocusing my energy and spirit.

I don't know what the plan is yet. I am not sure how to get there but I am going to really try.