Becoming a mother at 46 and the adventure of having a baby unicorn!

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

I have to try harder.

I need strength.  This is so hard.  I hate it.

I don't blog often and I hesitate to blog now but I have to. I have to get this out of me.  It's tearing me apart from the inside.

I have blogged before about my struggle with infertility and my deepest desire to have a child.  (post is here)

And last night I was on the phone with my friend Natasha and she really helped me sort through some underlying pain. The reality of it is, I spend every day of my life trying to fill a hole in my heart that is so huge and deep that no matter what happens, no matter what I do, it won't go away.  Everyone has their "stuff" to deal with and this is mine. 

I have to refocus my energy to make my life complete. I have to find my child.  There is a small heart out there looking for me and I am not trying hard enough. So I am refocusing my energy and spirit.

I don't know what the plan is yet. I am not sure how to get there but I am going to really try.


Eileen Hull said...

Oh Elena, you will find each other- I just know it! Hang in there my sweet friend...

Lura said...

it breaks my heart that with all the good you do and the awesome wonderful person that you are you dont have a child. but maybe, i pray that there is a miracle in your life, you deserve a miracle. i wish i could do something to help you, to comfort you, all i can do is pray. i know somehow you will find a way to fill that hole in your heart. i wish that i knew a way to help you fill it, i feel so helpless and it hurts so much to know how you are feeling. i am here if you need me, if there is something i can do. keep that faith and holding onto that hope. i love you. xoxoxo

ClassyDify said...


I understand how hard it may feel to not have something that your heart and soul wants so desperately. I was fortunate to be blessed with a daughter but was told at the age of 31 that I would never have kids again. I had to find a new focus and perspective during those difficult years. I know that with your big heart and positive thoughts that the answer will come to you. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!


Lyneen said...


Cheryl ~ Fiskateer #002 said...

Sweet friend, I want to share something with you I know will touch you! I love you and my heart feels for you sweet friend!

Christine said...

I pray, sweet girl, that you will find that heart soon!


RollerScrapper said...

I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you and am hoping you will get what you so dearly want.