Becoming a mother at 46 and the adventure of having a baby unicorn!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Really needing to re-think this...

Life changing experiences...

What am I doing? I have spread myself so thin... nothing is getting enough of my attention and my commitment to the things I really want to do is wavering... I am not sure what it is but I know that I need to get my head straight. As of right now, I am still really struggling to get my life in order. I find myself spinning my wheels and I feel very off balance...

even my shadow is unbalanced

I know that moving to my new place, hopefully this week, getting my things out of storage, and getting rid of tons of stuff is really going to help. It is a blur the stuff in storage. I dont even know what I packed, what I took, didnt take, what i need. Its all a blur. That first 3 months of the divorce process really really really are lost to me.

So, being at Brave Girls Camp was really helpful in so many ways.

laughing with beautiful brave girl Brittany

I discovered some things about myself I didn't realize before. I have always thought of myself as an open book, as someone that does not have a problem saying almost anything in front of people and who does not hide myself from the world. Well, that is turning out to not be 100% true. I am totally able to write on this blog and on my "live worth living blog" but when it comes to talking out loud- believe it or not, I am not that good at it. I can talk in front of a crowd of women at an event. I can tell people what to do all day long but talking about myself to a group... well, that is a challenge to me. and I learned this about my self at Brave Girls Camp. Every time it came to me to speak, I immediately reverted to my comfortable Founder of Scrapbook Royalty persona and just talked about my non-profit. And basically "promoted it" but what I really wanted to share, what I would have loved to let out into the universe was my story, my pain, my grief, and my experience.

this is what it looks like when brave girls share

It was not until the last day of the camp, and literally, the last minute of the whole thing that I was finally able to say something real. I took out my computer and read my blog post from September of last year about "it". Oh boy was that hard!!!

Art I created at Brave Girls Camp

I thought it would be easy, i could share with these wonderful women whom I had come to love and adore, and i would be reading it so i would not have to worry about tripping over my words or sounding stupid. But holy crow! it was so hard. Reading the words and speaking the words out loud are profoundly different! It was hard to speak because I was crying so much. I have not cried like that in months. I turned to Melody who was sitting next to me and said," I have yet to bawl at Brave Girls Camp" and here I was, heart and soul exposed, but feeling better that I finally got to share my story. Like I said, it was the last minute of the camp, literally, so I didn'tt get much feedback but one of the people who talked to me about it was Grandma Myrna Jean.

Grandma Myrna Jean

She and I have bonded in such a loving way through these two camps. I just love her. She is the
epitome of a loving person whom you could just curl up with and feel so safe and loved. She thanked me for sharing my story, she said she didn't know what I had been through and was happy to have that information and that she loved me. It just made me happy to know that people who care about me got a chance to see the real me. Not hiding behind Scrapbook Royalty and "doing good" but the real me with tears on my face and all exposed.

Brave Girls Bus

On the bus ride down the mountain back to the airport, I spoke with Maureen, Rhonda, and Angela about SBR and where to go from here. Rachel and Sally were there giving feedback as well. it was so great. and they really opened my eyes to some things. The main thing is that I don't have a story... Sad isn't it. But so true! Scrapbook Royalty is not as successful as it can be because i don't have a story to tell that moves people. it is not enough to want to help creative people give. it needs to be for a reason. So i am going to come up with my story. I am going to share how Scrapbook Royalty saved me and how it has helped so many people. I am going to walk towards the "heart" and get to the soul of what is driving me and find a way to convey that to people in a way that motivates them to move and help...

Group photo fun on the dock

I will never forget the amazing women I met at this brave girls camp. They opened their hearts and they made me feel like I could fly. thank you ladies for all your love and support. I love you all!


Camille said...

I was so happy you shared. :) Love you. xoxo

Angela said...

I love this. You and I are very much the same. I thought I would go and just SPILL my heart out from day one - that's the way I roll...typically. However now I know I was learning and processing the entire time. Sharing feels so wonderful, however the learning does too. LOVE YOU TONS for all your strength and beauty!
Miss you!

Mignon said...

I loved reading this. I feel much the same. I didn't do a lot of sharing either, but like Angela, I did a lot of learning. Your last share was amazing. The trust I felt from you, that you would put "it" out there to us cemented my already fond feelings for you. You are amazing and I'm exited to continue to learn about your story :)

allYson said...

Your story is just starting...You are just ready to jump out :) I have two feet and arms ready to help you move, just let me know. YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON and you bring it out in all of us.