Becoming a mother at 46 and the adventure of having a baby unicorn!

Friday, July 29, 2016

I am nervous

Today I am nervous.

I have taken a step towards what I hope will allow me to be a mother.  Something I have wanted all my life. That was the hard part, now the work begins.  I am going to document my journey through blog posts and videos 

First, lets talk about ADOPTION. It's not for me.

People immediately go there when they find out I have not been able to have children.  I understand that it is natural to want to provide a solution and help when someone is having a hard time. Especially someone you care about, so I don't get hurt or offended anymore.  However, at this time, I am not looking to adopt. I have done a lot of research and the realities of adoption don't fit into my life.  
Adoption is not a bandaid that soothes the empty womb.  It is an especially wonderful thing for people who are pure hearted and selfless and want to help a "needy" child. I use the word "needy" because that is the word people use with me, "There are a lot of needy kids out there that need a home."  And there are. 

But for my journey, I am still hoping to carry my own child. This is the first thing I will try.


I have a trio of friends that are championing my cause.  Marisa, Jen and Ginamarie.  I am honored that they are sistering me and being the support I need to find my Hope.  

 In March of this year, Marisa put together a Go Fund Me Campaign to help with the cost of getting started.  

It goes against everything inside me to raise money for myself.  It makes me extremely NERVOUS to put myself out there in this way and I have a great fear that people will get mad, think this is ridiculous, why should I give her money, who does she think she is, she's not sick, she's not needy.... These are just a few of the things the demons in my heart tell me. 

A few days ago when I announced the heart breaking decision to leave a wonderful life with Paul, I wrote Marisa and said, "now I'm ready"

Since then we have both been doing more research and I have spoken to countless people about the direction I want to go and I have decided that I want to try to carry a donor embryo.  This is not just a decision that I made.  I have in the past tried many many things to get pregnant. I have been offered surrogacy, sperm, partnership and none of them have worked out.  So this decision is made from experience and research and ultimately, I need to choose a doctor and find out if this is even a possibility given that I am almost 45 years old.

If it is possible for me to carry my own child, I will need help.

  1. My body does not produce enough eggs in a cycle to extract and have a viable set to implant.  So I need an egg donor.  
  2. I am single, so I need a sperm donor. 
  3. The procedures for myself and the donors will cost about $30,000 for one round of IVF. Subsequent rounds are less because egg retrieval, if successful, is only done the first round.

My wish is that the egg and sperm donors will be someone that I know. I would love to have genetic background information and a connection with the people who contribute to this life I am hoping to have inside me.

So here it is. If you wish to help, I will be forever grateful.

#findingelena #findingmyhope

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