My whole brain seems off to me. I know that part of it is just the new crossroads that I am at. (when do we stop reaching crossroads in our lives?) and part of it is wanting something so bad and not being sure that it will ever happen.
So today I just have to say it. I can't hold it in anymore. I have to say what I really really really want. More than anything in the whole world. More than my own life.
What I really really really want is for it not to be too late for me to have a child of my own.
There. I said it. It's out there. I just don't want it to be too late.
Whenever someone says, "At least you didnt have kids" (re: getting divorced) or, "Hang out with my kids, you won't want them after that" or "You're so luck you dont have kids and get to travel all the time". or "Kids are expensive" or the best one was when I was going through fertility treatments and people would say "as soon as you stop wanting one, you will get pregnant" or the many other things that are supposed to make me feel better about not being a mother....
I just take a deep breath and hold it in because I want to scream when people say this to me. Not at them because how could they know how much it hurts me to hear this.
How could they know that it would have made my marriage worth it even if I had to have my ex husband be in my life forever.
That I would rather hear endless nights of crying and whining.
I would trade every trip and give up everything.
Poor people have kids all the time
How do you stop wanting to have a child?
They can't know.
So if you have kids, tell me, are they your greatest joy in life? Would you trade it for anything in the world? Imagine for a minute not having them.
And even with all this going on in my head. I am still a Happy People.