Becoming a mother at 46 and the adventure of having a baby unicorn!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Come on reality. Where are you?

I feel like I have been living in some alternate reality since my divorce.

Not because I am not a happy people. 
Not because I don't get up and work and play and go to bed just like everyone else. 

It's because for so long i feel like i have been looking for what i really really want. 

I have listed in previous posts some things that I really really want and they are all true. I just feel like something is missing.  I keep looking for this "thing" or "answer" to why I feel so incomplete sometimes.  I am not sure, but I think it has to do with the fact that I am constantly having to BE someone for someone else.  That it is so rare that I get to just be me.

Does anyone else feel this way?

And I don't mind being someone else here and there.  I think its the sales person in me that makes me a chameleon like that.  I was told a long time ago when I was working for Welcome Wagon, yes, Welcome Wagon, that I had the ability to talk to anyone and that made me a good sales person.  and I kind of like that.

And there are so many pressures around me all the time to
 do something with my life, 
to be a mother someday, to be a good friend,  to make my mother proud,
to  be happy. 

I think I might not have realized that what I really really want is to be myself and be happy with that. So living in this alternate universe where I don't always get to just be me, well, it makes it hard to just be me.

And blogging about this may not be the right thing to do because there are people that will read you blog just to find ways to criticize you.  But this is a good outlet for me, and I stopped blogging for a little while because I was worried about the criticism but now I just don't care.  Or at least I am hoping the real me won't :)

Its the weekend, and life is great! I'm going to try to just be me today.


The Silotts said...

continue to be YOU!! that is who you are and who i love to be around!!

Mikal said...

YOU are an amazing woman, and being true to yourself will only be a stronger desire as you get older.

Blogging about it is ok - you don't know how many others need the courage to be their true self as well - it's not so scary a journey when you know you aren't alone!

I know this for my truth, as I've been on this journey for some time now myself. It's a two steps forward, and so many steps back kind of journey for me. It takes time to break the old habits of "yes, yes, yes", and take time for yourself and your needs, but don't give up!

Hugs to you!


Lisa said...

Oh Elena. You are beautiful inside and out and you deserve to be happy. People who are critical of you just need to be put on the moon. ;)

Sherry Fralic said...

OMG when I met you at Scrapbook Expo in Orlando I was thinking...."wow, look at this amazing, creative, and charasmatic young woman who is so into helping others...and she's gorgeous to boot." I was extremely impressed with you and aspire to be more like you.

Lisa Klow said...

I know just what you mean. All my adult life I have worked in office jobs, and I usually don't talk about my art to coworkers because they just don't get it.

I recently realized that all this hiding of my true self has resulted in me not really knowing who my true self is. It's like I've been wearing a mask, and once I take it off I don't know who I am. I'm working on it.

Carrie Clayden said...

are you freaking kidding me?? I love this blog post. This is worth reading. I don't want to read about people's success etc...bor-ing. Give me gut wrenching honesty any day. You just got yourself a fan simply by being you, and saying you have pressures and that's a drag etc. I am the only one ever pressuring me, it's lame. I am already good at so much and yet I expect more, more, more of myself. I knew I loved you when you said you were wearing a tutu, and now I know I love you because you opened yourself up.

Elena Lai Etcheverry said...

thanks for the great comments! I try so hard to really pour my heart out in my blog. it helps me super super super much. and I love hearing from anyone that takes the time to read my babbling :)