My whole brain seems off to me. I know that part of it is just the new crossroads that I am at. (when do we stop reaching crossroads in our lives?) and part of it is wanting something so bad and not being sure that it will ever happen.
So today I just have to say it. I can't hold it in anymore. I have to say what I really really really want. More than anything in the whole world. More than my own life.
What I really really really want is for it not to be too late for me to have a child of my own.
There. I said it. It's out there. I just don't want it to be too late.
Whenever someone says, "At least you didnt have kids" (re: getting divorced) or, "Hang out with my kids, you won't want them after that" or "You're so luck you dont have kids and get to travel all the time". or "Kids are expensive" or the best one was when I was going through fertility treatments and people would say "as soon as you stop wanting one, you will get pregnant" or the many other things that are supposed to make me feel better about not being a mother....
I just take a deep breath and hold it in because I want to scream when people say this to me. Not at them because how could they know how much it hurts me to hear this.
How could they know that it would have made my marriage worth it even if I had to have my ex husband be in my life forever.
That I would rather hear endless nights of crying and whining.
I would trade every trip and give up everything.
Poor people have kids all the time
How do you stop wanting to have a child?
They can't know.
So if you have kids, tell me, are they your greatest joy in life? Would you trade it for anything in the world? Imagine for a minute not having them.
And even with all this going on in my head. I am still a Happy People.
7 comments:
As you know I have 3 grown girls and yes there are moments that I want to strangle all 3 of them, however raising a child is the most important thing I have ever done in my life. To see your miracle grow up and become a parent themself, or become sucessful, or find their true love, or any other wonderful event in their life is so fulfilling.
However with that said, that is MY life and what I was suppose to do. I do believe in higher powers Elena -even bigger than you ;-) - If a child is meant to be in your life you will have it. Especially you! I don't know anyone with as much determination and drive.
I personally think maybe you haven't been blessed with one as of yet because maybe you aren't ready right now. You stil have other things to do that a baby might not fit into right now, or yes there may be that scenario that God needs/wants you to do the very fulfilling and wonderful accomplishment you are doing already. Whatever your life is destined to be it will be!
Hang in there - remain positive - and all will happen when it is suppose to happen.
xo
Elena, I remember so well badly I wanted a child. I really wish I could wave a magic wand to grant your wish.
I also worried about being too old and even had a limit as to what would be too old to have a baby for me. The years of trying and the fertility treatments and all of the other gut wrenching heart breaking parts of the entire process were so trying. There were several things in that time I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Yet, I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything. I love her beyond words. Sure, I would love to be able to go to concerts, travel and whatnot like I used to do. Now concerts and travel are the kid friendly kind and have taken on a different meaning. Not the same kind of thing but still a new adventure.
You know that other people can't possibly know what's right for you. You know in your heart what's right for you and what it is that would make you happy.
(((hugs)))
Wow. I wasnt expecting such truly meaningful comments. Thank you so much Helene and Pam. I know that I am on a path going somewhere. Its just hard to imagine it not including a child. JUST ONE EVEN!! but I will keep moving forward and I absolutely treasure your words of wisdom. Thank you for sharing.
I was told I couldn't have any...I tried very hard to prove that wrong before finally deciding I'd be okay with adopting when the time was right. Lo & Behold...two years later I was shocked to be pregnant. I only carried for 7 months, then it happened again. I have two amazing children...that just about drove me over the edge quite a few times. The depth of the love & sacrifice is unexplainable. It has been one hell of an experience, and we all survived. But I would have been just as happy with adopting.
I can't even imagine how frustrating and difficult this is for you, and other friends who are in the same boat. I just wanted to let you know, my dear friend, that I'm here for you and if you ever need someone to talk to that doesn't know anything about kids...call me :)
You already know how I feel about my children. The are my life, my sanity, and what gives me purpose in life. I might hate being lonely from lack of true friends/friendships, or truly miss and long for a boyfriend or really a husband, but at least I have my kiddo's to hang with and share life with. Jack is my gift from god when I needed him the most and is that every second of the day( especially when I am heartbroken and longing for Joey and Stephanie). Jack and I have had an amazing week together hanging out and playing together even when we lost all power to the day and night throughout the park. He is my best buddy and my favorite person to do things with. How any parent could say that their kids would make someone else not want to have kids, well they should not be parents themselves then. You don't need a husband to have kids or be a wonderful mother, and this I know you WILL BE. Try praying about it. I know you are not religious, but prayer has always worked for me.Look, I have three healthy kids to prove it, and I too could not get pregnant without trying and planning. I believe it will happen for you. I am here for you if you ever need to talk.
Elena,
I have a friend that has for many years wanted to have a baby. She's tried and tried. I don't know why she can't have a baby of her own. I do know that she would e a very loving, exciting, tentative mother. I also know that I think there are certain people on this earth that aren't meant to necessarily populate the earth some more but instead, maybe their here to save someone else's life. Isn't this the basis of what all your charity work boils down to?? Maybe it's a sign?? I can see it. Maybe that's what your supposed to do. It's certainly something to think about. I see you as a spirit saver, maybe this is your destiny.
Good luck with whatever you decide. You'll be great ! And, you'll do the right thing for you. (((hugs to you)))) Tina Goode
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