Becoming a mother at 46 and the adventure of having a baby unicorn!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

It's one of those days and I am not alone.

A few weeks ago it was National Infertility Week. It finally hit me that there actually is a cause I "belong to". I have always said that I don't choose just one charity to support because I don't really have any diseases, or illnesses, or disabilities, etc... etc... that are in my family.  But now I know I do.

And it's me. I'm the one with the disability

It's not my mom, its not my brother, it's not my children that compel me to rally behind a cause.  Rather it's my lack of children.

Not being able to have children is the most agonizing, depression inducing, cry until you make your self vomit, anxiety ridden, open wound, haunting, lonely part of my life I am having to live through it.

And then it was Mother's Day.  And for the first time in my life, two people, well, three people actually, said happy mother's day to me.  Not because I am a mother, well, not because I have given birth to children, but because there are now two little boys in my life that I can "mother" or rather "nurture".  They are not my flesh and blood, and they have a fine mother that loves them just as a mother should. But every week for part of the week, I get to care for them and it has filled a small part of the gaping hole in my heart that nothing will ever totally fill.

And then I read this post about Mother's Day and specifically this part:

"To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you."

and now I know why I honor the women in my life.  And why I honor my own mother to the highest degree, and that Mother's Day is for everyone that has ever cared, nurtured, yearned for, or held a child in their heart.

It's not always roses but I am a Happy People. Art is my expressive outlet. Sometimes it is happy art, sometimes it is dark art but it is always therapeutic.  Need a close up?  yes, that is a bloody screw poking out of my heart. Am I a dramatic artist or what?  Well, sometimes I just feel screwed.


ScrappinCricut said...

I just want to give you big hug!

arlsmom aka Lynda said...

You are never alone my beautiful friend...xxoo

Natalie Newman said...

I would give you my ability to have children if this were possible. I won't have them. I am a spiritual mother, but I cannot see myself giving birth.

Whatever way, YOU are a mother, you have the ways of a mother (the good, caring ways, not the nasty, grumpy ways) with everyone you love. You are a mother to so many.

Hugs, Elena, big big hugs!

Jodie R said...

Big hugs and lots of love to you, Elena! I wonder sometimes if we choose to support certain charities based on what our biggest fears in life are. The whole time we pray that if we support a cause enough, they find a cure before we find ourselves there. I could tell you about a situation in my life that I never dreamed I'd find myself in, but suffice it to say it makes me want help even more!! You never know what good things are in your future. Never give up hope, Sweety!!

Cecilia said...

That was a beautiful prose poem, with lots to say. I assume the part you quoted was an excerpt from a longer piece, because adoptive mothers were not mentioned (except in reference to failed adoptions.) I'm an adoptive mother who would just like to say that there is nothing else my daughter could look like,and nothing else she could be, that would make her "more" my daughter than she is already. Parenthood happens in the heart.

Elena Lai Etcheverry said...

thanks friends. That but that was a good point Cecilia. I think that they are not separating adoptive parents from birth parents. I would say they can be one in the same.

Beth Morey said...

Beautiful, Elena. It sucks that you have to deal with infertility. Big hugs.

Unknown said...

hi elena, i do have kids(adults now) but my heart goes out to you, i had many miscarriages and had one baby die at birth so i know about crying and agonizing over wanting kids, it is the worst! please don't ever loose your heart and spirirt, even though i use to hate it when people said it to me, you know there is a plan for us, higher than us. and you know if you ever want it there is adoption. so keep your heart, i have good feelings that something special is gonna happen to you, aloha, angi in hana

Cheryl Waters said...

Amen and amen sweet Elena. I know you hurt. You hurt. I want you to know that I too am grateful for the motherly influence you have on my girl. She loves you. I am grateful for you because you are a friend to me and to her. I love you sweet friend!