rain and rainbows.

So I have to tell you, I am really really lucky to have GK, JT, AB and SR as friends.  I thought I was going to die from anxiety yesterday.  I actually talked to these people almost all day. It was nuts. I alternated between crying, working and talking/crying on the phone.  I really thought I was losing it.  In the end everything came together and it was like I had 4 angels on my shoulders talking me down.

The conclusion is...

Somehow I have to make myself believe that I deserve to be happy. I know that happiness is a choice.  Even though I have made some mistakes I should still allow myself to have dreams.  I gave up for a while.  They were hiding.  Well, they seemed impossible really.  and I put myself in the place where they were not even a consideration anymore.

 


but today I feel like I can hope.
just a little.
and maybe tomorrow I will feel like I can hope a little more....

Baby steps.


 

it still gives me anxiety to think about it now.  It brings tears to my eyes just to feel the unknown take me over again.  I have to let go, let happiness happen if it is going to.

but I'm terrified.

happiness comes with pain and I just don't know how to go there again.  im trying.