So I have to tell you, I am really really lucky to have GK, JT, AB and SR as friends. I thought I was going to die from anxiety yesterday. I actually talked to these people almost all day. It was nuts. I alternated between crying, working and talking/crying on the phone. I really thought I was losing it. In the end everything came together and it was like I had 4 angels on my shoulders talking me down.
The conclusion is...
Somehow I have to make myself believe that I deserve to be happy. I know that happiness is a choice. Even though I have made some mistakes I should still allow myself to have dreams. I gave up for a while. They were hiding. Well, they seemed impossible really. and I put myself in the place where they were not even a consideration anymore.
but today I feel like I can hope.
just a little.
and maybe tomorrow I will feel like I can hope a little more....
it still gives me anxiety to think about it now. It brings tears to my eyes just to feel the unknown take me over again. I have to let go, let happiness happen if it is going to.
but I'm terrified.
happiness comes with pain and I just don't know how to go there again. im trying.