In a minute...

If you don't want to know what hurt looks like

--------------------------------------------do not read on.

Does this happen to other people?

It only takes a minute. The world is all pretty and just floating along and then. 

It just happens. It's like you can't take a breath.  There is no wind anywhere to be found.  You wrap your arms around yourself to keep all of you from falling apart.  You kneel down and your head falls into your lap and you just sit there concentrating on trying to breathe.

You are having an anxiety attack.  Nothing is wrong with you. You know you are totally going to be ok, but in that minute...

Something hurt you.  Something hurt your sense of what is right in the world.  Something hurt your reality and here you are.  

and here I am.

#findingelena #findingmyhope

The reality is this.

I've never had a time in my life when I knew I was going to be alone.

Since I was a little girl my biggest dream was to get married and have a family.  I was the kid that babysat every kid in the neighborhood from the time I was about 12 years old.  I was the one that loved babies and that babies loved. I tell people I have a kid aura. That kids know that I will be good to them and care for them.  I have prided myself all my life on what a good mother I am going to be.

Now, as the reality is settling in, I can see that I am going to be alone.  I absolutely have to be. I don't mean alone as in without friends or support.

I mean alone as in without a partner.

This has never been in my plans.  In fact, it was so far from my plans that I have made steps on this journey that have taken me farther from my dream of being a mother because I wanted to do this with a man that would be the father.

Making the decision to leave my wonderful, safe, happy, sweet relationship and try to have a baby through Assisted Reproductive Therapy, has made me realize that I cannot accept another person into my heart.  Because after a lifetime of 2 year relationships, I don't trust that anyone has the same passion for my dream as I do. And this I know is probably the most obvious thing but I have never seen it as clearly as I do right now.

I'm scared and excited.  

I'm filled with anxiety.

I'm confused and seeking answers.

I cry every night and I am not always sure why.

My heart is open to what will happen next. My mind is focused on what I need to do.

#findingelena #findingmyhope

If you want to help:

https://www.gofundme.com/ART-for-Elena

The anxiety and fear are real. But there is hope.

I share because I can.
I share as an outlet and a release of all the things that build up inside me.
I share in hopes that I can soothe another heart.
I share to reveal me.

I am a visual person.  So when I am feeling particularly raw, I try to get a physical representation of what that feeling is. I make something or I write it down/blog or I look for a meaningful quote or image.  Today I wanted to see what I look like when I am sitting on the floor clinging to myself trying not to let fear and anxiety get the best of me.

As I looked at the photo, I saw that I was literally clinging to myself. I WANT TO BE CLINGING TO HOPE. I saw that I looked scared. Who is this person who looks so sad and lost. It can't possibly be me. With all the amazing things I have in my life. All the support and love I get to receive from friends and family. But today I am this person.

I can see it in my selfie.
I can see that I am wearing my turmoil on the outside.
I can see that I do not want to be this person.

It is a journey.

And my friends are on it with me.  See what my friends did...
https://www.gofundme.com/ART-for-Elena

I'm so humbled and honored.

#findingelena #findingmyhope

I am nervous

Today I am nervous.

I have taken a step towards what I hope will allow me to be a mother.  Something I have wanted all my life. That was the hard part, now the work begins.  I am going to document my journey through blog posts and videos 

First, lets talk about ADOPTION. It's not for me.

People immediately go there when they find out I have not been able to have children.  I understand that it is natural to want to provide a solution and help when someone is having a hard time. Especially someone you care about, so I don't get hurt or offended anymore.  However, at this time, I am not looking to adopt. I have done a lot of research and the realities of adoption don't fit into my life.  
Adoption is not a bandaid that soothes the empty womb.  It is an especially wonderful thing for people who are pure hearted and selfless and want to help a "needy" child. I use the word "needy" because that is the word people use with me, "There are a lot of needy kids out there that need a home."  And there are. 

But for my journey, I am still hoping to carry my own child. This is the first thing I will try.

MY JOURNEY

I have a trio of friends that are championing my cause.  Marisa, Jen and Ginamarie.  I am honored that they are sistering me and being the support I need to find my Hope.  

 In March of this year, Marisa put together a Go Fund Me Campaign to help with the cost of getting started.  

It goes against everything inside me to raise money for myself.  It makes me extremely NERVOUS to put myself out there in this way and I have a great fear that people will get mad, think this is ridiculous, why should I give her money, who does she think she is, she's not sick, she's not needy.... These are just a few of the things the demons in my heart tell me. 

A few days ago when I announced the heart breaking decision to leave a wonderful life with Paul, I wrote Marisa and said, "now I'm ready"

Since then we have both been doing more research and I have spoken to countless people about the direction I want to go and I have decided that I want to try to carry a donor embryo.  This is not just a decision that I made.  I have in the past tried many many things to get pregnant. I have been offered surrogacy, sperm, partnership and none of them have worked out.  So this decision is made from experience and research and ultimately, I need to choose a doctor and find out if this is even a possibility given that I am almost 45 years old.

If it is possible for me to carry my own child, I will need help.

1. My body does not produce enough eggs in a cycle to extract and have a viable set to implant.  So I need an egg donor.  
2. I am single, so I need a sperm donor. 
3. The procedures for myself and the donors will cost about $30,000 for one round of IVF. Subsequent rounds are less because egg retrieval, if successful, is only done the first round.

My wish is that the egg and sperm donors will be someone that I know. I would love to have genetic background information and a connection with the people who contribute to this life I am hoping to have inside me.

So here it is. If you wish to help, I will be forever grateful.

https://www.gofundme.com/ART-for-Elena

#findingelena #findingmyhope

Giving up something really amazing because...life.

Now, as I am about to turn 45, I am having to make some really hard choices. People always say that Charity Wings is a dream come true for me. In reality, it is an amazing thing and I wake up every day very happy to go to work and do my job, but it is not my dream come true.  Running an Art Center has never been my dream.  Charity Wings was born out of baby steps and natural progression but it is not my dream come true.

So, I have made a decision to make my real dream come true and that puts me on a path that I have to start alone.  That means without the man that has stood by my side and been an incredible rock for the past two years.  It's really hard to let go of something that is basically perfect, but ultimately takes me farther away from my dream.  

There is something in this life that I want more than Paul Malone and that is to be a mother.

This breaks my heart and fills me with sadness. We both know it's the right thing to do.  As someone that has already raised a family, it is not his dream to raise another human being and I respect that so much.  Our lives are so intertwined, its not the end of our story.  We will have an amazing friendship that will last our whole lives. We love each other and that will not change.

I am not sure of many things. I don't really believe in absolutes.  There is just one thing in this world I know without a doubt and that is that I am meant to be a mother.  I don't know how to make that desire go away. I cry for that child that my human nature and internal clock have been at war for.  If I could just let the dream go, I wouldn't have to give up on the most beautiful relationship I could imagine at this point in my life.

So for now, I will walk the empty halls of my home and mourn for the relationship I am giving up for the relationship that I have to find. 

#findingelena #findingmyhope

A Story of Buttons

I went to Brave Girls Symposium last week planning to do exactly what I do at every event, be Elena from Charity Wings and talk to people about my charity. As I was packing, I realized that I actually would really love to be there as just Elena. So for the first time in a very long time. I packed my suitcase without wings, without outfits that would make people "see me", without even business cards, and took off for Boise.

What I didn't realize I had packed was what I have not been able to unpack in years: Fear, Anxiety, Jealousy, Shame, and a host of other things that women carry around.

So off I went with my luggage and a smile, to what would be a life changing event. This post is just about the buttons but I am going to post about my journey and I am going to share, because that is who I am, and those that can must, but let me preface here that I have been at the edge of "I can't do this, this way anymore" for a few months now. And have done a ton of soul searching and self reflecting in the process. So being at Brave Girl Symposium was just literally exactly what I needed to push me off the edge and allow me to take a leap into the light that I absolutely needed to take

But this life changing experience will come out of me onto my computer in parts and this is just page one of the story....

Page 1: (the easiest to share) "Did I give you a button yet?"

I think I might have become known as the girl with the buttons at Brave Girl Symposium. I walked around handing these out to everyone I could, even guests and employees at the hotel. My friends (many of them new) would walk behind me and just laugh and smile as I did "my thing" and ask every person, " Did I give you a button yet?" By the end of the event, lots of them replied, "Yes and I love it." or "Yes, I am saving it for my daughter or friend." And I would offer them another button and say, "Then you get a bonus button!" It was so fun. I was just handing out buttons, being ME!!
These buttons were a gift in so many ways!! They were a gift from the amazing artists that donated their artwork and allowed me to make buttons out of it. They were a gift to the beautiful souls that I got to meet and give a little gift to. Some people asked me if it was my artwork, and I shared that they were original artwork donated to Charity Wings by amazing artists from all over the world. It was nice. I would say, "you can look me up if you like" if they asked more about them but basically, what these buttons and these amazing women who let me share their artwork did was allow me to be Elena and do the things I love, meet people, give gifts, and make people smile. It was a perfect fit as far as small steps go. I still got to be me.

I did talk about what I do to people that I got to know better. Like my new Council, The "Cookoo Clud."

-Reserve that for another post :) but mostly, I just gave away little gifts that make people smile and feel special.

I went to this event with a plan to open my heart to change. As I started to let down the #crazycharitygirl veil that I hide behind every day, I think I let people see part of the real me for the first time in a long time.

So I have a new hashtag for this part of my journey through this amazing charmed life.

#findingelena

Here we go!

I've been encouraged to write on my blog.  I am motivated but I am sitting here looking at a blank page.

Writing on my blog means going "there" and "there" is the every present, relentless, ruthless, pain of being childless that just won't go away!!!

There is something special about denial.  It lets you get through the day when all you want to do is crawl in a dark hole and scream and cry till your eyes close shut permanently with your tears.  This is how I feel inside.  You would not know this because I smile.  I say the things I am supposed to say. I play nice with the world because I am here and I am not a coward so I will not take this life for granted.  It's an amazing life. Filled with the highest highs and conversely, the lowest lows. Those lows live in my heart.  So don't worry. I don't feel this way all the time.
It's only when I let the vail of denial slip down.
Just to take a peak.
Just for a few seconds.
That this happens.

And the bad part about that is that I can't act on what might possibly make me better.  I can't bring myself to go through one more round of failed fertility treatments. I can't bear the thought of being in such despair and so non-functioning as a human that I let this self pity lead me away from what I really really really want.

I want the challenge to give me hope, to make me strong but it doesn't.

It's hard to be strong when your body is the only body you have and it just won't ...

If I could do something.

Maybe I am looking at this all wrong.  I am not sure. Maybe because I am so wrapped up in my failure I can't see straight.  It would be different if I were not going through this alone.  It would be different if I wasn't sacrificing the happiness I have now for a possibility at happiness.  Ah, so there it is. The unknown.  That is what scares me the most. So as I sit here writing and having my own pity party, I find my truth.

I am scared of the unknown.

No, wait a minute.  I am not.  This doesn't make sense.  I am not scared of the unknown.

I am scared of trying again.

Wait.  am I being honest with myself?

I don't want to spend $15,000 on failed fertility treatments.

Getting closer.

I would have to give up Charity Wings to work on something that will make money so I can save money to spend $15,000 on fertility treatments that might not work and by the time I am able to save that kind of money I would be an even smaller statistic of success stories.

Oh.  Did I just say that?  I'm so confused.

I can't find the right group.

I'm trying to find peace. I've searched high and low for a local support group or network of people who have been unable to have children. I'm not talking about the people that are struggling with fertility. I've been one of those too and there are actually a lot of groups out there supporting people who are giving themselves shots every day, popping tons of pills, and forking out tens of thousands of dollars to try to have a baby. It's awful. I've done it. So I feel for those people, having been one. But now I'm on the other side of that. Not on the other side of the pain but on the other side of that journey because I can no longer try fertility treatments. I'm looking for people who have not been able Key word "able" not "didn't want" to have kids. Does anyone know of a group like that. Whatever the reason whether it be because, fertility treatments didn't work, or because they never found that special someone to have a baby with, or it just never happened, whatever the reason. I'm looking for people like me, that I can talk to who I can maybe even help through healing arts. But that definitely want and need to share.

Do you know anyone like me? Are you like me?

Please don't send me emails or messages about adoption. I am so grateful to those of you that have reached out to me in that way and shared your stories of adoption success. I think that is very special . Adoption is not something I'm considering right now.

Thanks for reading :)
Elena@charitywings.org

When Mother's Day approaches .

It is the day to honor my mother who is the pillar of decency, hard work, goodness, support, and love, and I admire and honor her everyday.

But every year around this time I get completely schizophrenic because this is the day that I have spent years wishing could be my day too. I posted about it a few years ago. And this year with my body changing because time stands still for noone, and the hope of having my own child come out of my own body going away (please do not write me about adoption please) I see that this day will never be one where my own child writes how much they love and respect me and how much I guided and loved them into the person that they are.

It's the little things that make us the craziest isn't it. I guess for me this is just the biggest thing.

If you want to know something about what it's like to be childless on mothers day click this link.

http://thetravelingprincess.blogspot.com/2012/05/few-weeks-ago-it-was-week.html?m=1

Thank you for reading and for your friendship and support. I know I am not alone.

What gives your life meaning? (WGYLM)

Sadie's 10th birthday party.

What a super fun time these girls had at Sadie's birthday party. 18 kids decensed on the Center this Sunday and The awesome Kelly wowed them with polymer clay techniques and guided them to make beautiful flowers. It was so great to hear the collective "wow"  as the clay color became veriaggated and another as the cane was coming together!

We havr the best events! Host your party here! It's always fun and always a hit!

Click here for more info
http://www.charitywings.org/private-parties-and-gatherings/

Dear Artists, Crafters and Scrapbookers...

Dear Artists, Crafters and Scrapbookers,

Imagine

A place where you can gather and be inspired regardless of what medium, technique, form, style or genre of creativity you choose.
A place where you can come alone and create with little interruption, or with friends and share and enjoy the company.
A place filled to the brim, with every kind of supply, tool, and technique readily available.
A place supported by The Community, Manufacturers, Designers and Artists that believe in sharing the gift of Art and Creativity.

Now imagine this place is not just for creating but also for giving.

This place brings together people from all walks of life, facing all kinds of adversity, from all over the world with one purpose...

...To experience the joy of exploring your creativity.

This is what I am trying to build for you. I can't do it alone.  But I can do it with an army of creative minds that believes in the mission and take a little time to help spread the word.

Spread the word.

ALS ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE FINISHED!

Elena Lai Etcheverry of Charity Wings ALS Ice Buc…: http://youtu.be/vRY7h9hZQMA