A few weeks ago it was National Infertility Week. It finally hit me that there actually is a cause I "belong to". I have always said that I don't choose just one charity to support because I don't really have any diseases, or illnesses, or disabilities, etc... etc... that are in my family. But now I know I do.
And it's me. I'm the one with the disability
It's not my mom, its not my brother, it's not my children that compel me to rally behind a cause. Rather it's my lack of children.
Not being able to have children is the most agonizing, depression inducing, cry until you make your self vomit, anxiety ridden, open wound, haunting, lonely part of my life I am having to live through it.
And then it was Mother's Day. And for the first time in my life, two people, well, three people actually, said happy mother's day to me. Not because I am a mother, well, not because I have given birth to children, but because there are now two little boys in my life that I can "mother" or rather "nurture". They are not my flesh and blood, and they have a fine mother that loves them just as a mother should. But every week for part of the week, I get to care for them and it has filled a small part of the gaping hole in my heart that nothing will ever totally fill.
And then I read this
post about Mother's Day and specifically this part:
"To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you
To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you
To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you
To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you
To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.
To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you
To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you
To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you
To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you
To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience
To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst
To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you
And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you
This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you."
and now I know why I honor the women in my life. And why I honor my own mother to the highest degree, and that Mother's Day is for everyone that has ever cared, nurtured, yearned for, or held a child in their heart.
It's not always roses but I am a Happy People. Art is my expressive outlet. Sometimes it is happy art, sometimes it is dark art but it is always therapeutic. Need a close up? yes, that is a bloody screw poking out of my heart. Am I a dramatic artist or what? Well, sometimes I just feel screwed.
