Giving up something really amazing because...life.

Now, as I am about to turn 45, I am having to make some really hard choices. People always say that Charity Wings is a dream come true for me. In reality, it is an amazing thing and I wake up every day very happy to go to work and do my job, but it is not my dream come true.  Running an Art Center has never been my dream.  Charity Wings was born out of baby steps and natural progression but it is not my dream come true.

So, I have made a decision to make my real dream come true and that puts me on a path that I have to start alone.  That means without the man that has stood by my side and been an incredible rock for the past two years.  It's really hard to let go of something that is basically perfect, but ultimately takes me farther away from my dream.  

There is something in this life that I want more than Paul Malone and that is to be a mother.

This breaks my heart and fills me with sadness. We both know it's the right thing to do.  As someone that has already raised a family, it is not his dream to raise another human being and I respect that so much.  Our lives are so intertwined, its not the end of our story.  We will have an amazing friendship that will last our whole lives. We love each other and that will not change.

I am not sure of many things. I don't really believe in absolutes.  There is just one thing in this world I know without a doubt and that is that I am meant to be a mother.  I don't know how to make that desire go away. I cry for that child that my human nature and internal clock have been at war for.  If I could just let the dream go, I wouldn't have to give up on the most beautiful relationship I could imagine at this point in my life.

So for now, I will walk the empty halls of my home and mourn for the relationship I am giving up for the relationship that I have to find. 

#findingelena #findingmyhope

A Story of Buttons

I went to Brave Girls Symposium last week planning to do exactly what I do at every event, be Elena from Charity Wings and talk to people about my charity. As I was packing, I realized that I actually would really love to be there as just Elena. So for the first time in a very long time. I packed my suitcase without wings, without outfits that would make people "see me", without even business cards, and took off for Boise.

What I didn't realize I had packed was what I have not been able to unpack in years: Fear, Anxiety, Jealousy, Shame, and a host of other things that women carry around.

So off I went with my luggage and a smile, to what would be a life changing event. This post is just about the buttons but I am going to post about my journey and I am going to share, because that is who I am, and those that can must, but let me preface here that I have been at the edge of "I can't do this, this way anymore" for a few months now. And have done a ton of soul searching and self reflecting in the process. So being at Brave Girl Symposium was just literally exactly what I needed to push me off the edge and allow me to take a leap into the light that I absolutely needed to take

But this life changing experience will come out of me onto my computer in parts and this is just page one of the story....

Page 1: (the easiest to share) "Did I give you a button yet?"

I think I might have become known as the girl with the buttons at Brave Girl Symposium. I walked around handing these out to everyone I could, even guests and employees at the hotel. My friends (many of them new) would walk behind me and just laugh and smile as I did "my thing" and ask every person, " Did I give you a button yet?" By the end of the event, lots of them replied, "Yes and I love it." or "Yes, I am saving it for my daughter or friend." And I would offer them another button and say, "Then you get a bonus button!" It was so fun. I was just handing out buttons, being ME!!
These buttons were a gift in so many ways!! They were a gift from the amazing artists that donated their artwork and allowed me to make buttons out of it. They were a gift to the beautiful souls that I got to meet and give a little gift to. Some people asked me if it was my artwork, and I shared that they were original artwork donated to Charity Wings by amazing artists from all over the world. It was nice. I would say, "you can look me up if you like" if they asked more about them but basically, what these buttons and these amazing women who let me share their artwork did was allow me to be Elena and do the things I love, meet people, give gifts, and make people smile. It was a perfect fit as far as small steps go. I still got to be me.

I did talk about what I do to people that I got to know better. Like my new Council, The "Cookoo Clud."

-Reserve that for another post :) but mostly, I just gave away little gifts that make people smile and feel special.

I went to this event with a plan to open my heart to change. As I started to let down the #crazycharitygirl veil that I hide behind every day, I think I let people see part of the real me for the first time in a long time.

So I have a new hashtag for this part of my journey through this amazing charmed life.

#findingelena

Here we go!

I've been encouraged to write on my blog.  I am motivated but I am sitting here looking at a blank page.

Writing on my blog means going "there" and "there" is the every present, relentless, ruthless, pain of being childless that just won't go away!!!

There is something special about denial.  It lets you get through the day when all you want to do is crawl in a dark hole and scream and cry till your eyes close shut permanently with your tears.  This is how I feel inside.  You would not know this because I smile.  I say the things I am supposed to say. I play nice with the world because I am here and I am not a coward so I will not take this life for granted.  It's an amazing life. Filled with the highest highs and conversely, the lowest lows. Those lows live in my heart.  So don't worry. I don't feel this way all the time.
It's only when I let the vail of denial slip down.
Just to take a peak.
Just for a few seconds.
That this happens.

And the bad part about that is that I can't act on what might possibly make me better.  I can't bring myself to go through one more round of failed fertility treatments. I can't bear the thought of being in such despair and so non-functioning as a human that I let this self pity lead me away from what I really really really want.

I want the challenge to give me hope, to make me strong but it doesn't.

It's hard to be strong when your body is the only body you have and it just won't ...

If I could do something.

Maybe I am looking at this all wrong.  I am not sure. Maybe because I am so wrapped up in my failure I can't see straight.  It would be different if I were not going through this alone.  It would be different if I wasn't sacrificing the happiness I have now for a possibility at happiness.  Ah, so there it is. The unknown.  That is what scares me the most. So as I sit here writing and having my own pity party, I find my truth.

I am scared of the unknown.

No, wait a minute.  I am not.  This doesn't make sense.  I am not scared of the unknown.

I am scared of trying again.

Wait.  am I being honest with myself?

I don't want to spend $15,000 on failed fertility treatments.

Getting closer.

I would have to give up Charity Wings to work on something that will make money so I can save money to spend $15,000 on fertility treatments that might not work and by the time I am able to save that kind of money I would be an even smaller statistic of success stories.

Oh.  Did I just say that?  I'm so confused.

I can't find the right group.

I'm trying to find peace. I've searched high and low for a local support group or network of people who have been unable to have children. I'm not talking about the people that are struggling with fertility. I've been one of those too and there are actually a lot of groups out there supporting people who are giving themselves shots every day, popping tons of pills, and forking out tens of thousands of dollars to try to have a baby. It's awful. I've done it. So I feel for those people, having been one. But now I'm on the other side of that. Not on the other side of the pain but on the other side of that journey because I can no longer try fertility treatments. I'm looking for people who have not been able Key word "able" not "didn't want" to have kids. Does anyone know of a group like that. Whatever the reason whether it be because, fertility treatments didn't work, or because they never found that special someone to have a baby with, or it just never happened, whatever the reason. I'm looking for people like me, that I can talk to who I can maybe even help through healing arts. But that definitely want and need to share.

Do you know anyone like me? Are you like me?

Please don't send me emails or messages about adoption. I am so grateful to those of you that have reached out to me in that way and shared your stories of adoption success. I think that is very special . Adoption is not something I'm considering right now.

Thanks for reading :)
Elena@charitywings.org

When Mother's Day approaches .

It is the day to honor my mother who is the pillar of decency, hard work, goodness, support, and love, and I admire and honor her everyday.

But every year around this time I get completely schizophrenic because this is the day that I have spent years wishing could be my day too. I posted about it a few years ago. And this year with my body changing because time stands still for noone, and the hope of having my own child come out of my own body going away (please do not write me about adoption please) I see that this day will never be one where my own child writes how much they love and respect me and how much I guided and loved them into the person that they are.

It's the little things that make us the craziest isn't it. I guess for me this is just the biggest thing.

If you want to know something about what it's like to be childless on mothers day click this link.

http://thetravelingprincess.blogspot.com/2012/05/few-weeks-ago-it-was-week.html?m=1

Thank you for reading and for your friendship and support. I know I am not alone.

What gives your life meaning? (WGYLM)

Sadie's 10th birthday party.

What a super fun time these girls had at Sadie's birthday party. 18 kids decensed on the Center this Sunday and The awesome Kelly wowed them with polymer clay techniques and guided them to make beautiful flowers. It was so great to hear the collective "wow"  as the clay color became veriaggated and another as the cane was coming together!

We havr the best events! Host your party here! It's always fun and always a hit!

Click here for more info
http://www.charitywings.org/private-parties-and-gatherings/

Dear Artists, Crafters and Scrapbookers...

Dear Artists, Crafters and Scrapbookers,

Imagine

A place where you can gather and be inspired regardless of what medium, technique, form, style or genre of creativity you choose.
A place where you can come alone and create with little interruption, or with friends and share and enjoy the company.
A place filled to the brim, with every kind of supply, tool, and technique readily available.
A place supported by The Community, Manufacturers, Designers and Artists that believe in sharing the gift of Art and Creativity.

Now imagine this place is not just for creating but also for giving.

This place brings together people from all walks of life, facing all kinds of adversity, from all over the world with one purpose...

...To experience the joy of exploring your creativity.

This is what I am trying to build for you. I can't do it alone.  But I can do it with an army of creative minds that believes in the mission and take a little time to help spread the word.

Spread the word.

ALS ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE FINISHED!

Elena Lai Etcheverry of Charity Wings ALS Ice Buc…: http://youtu.be/vRY7h9hZQMA

Adoption and the truth

I realized after my last Facebook post about infertility a lot of people have a bit of a misconception about adoption. Adoption isn't always an option for people who have not been able to get pregnant. 

Here is a list that might help those of you that want to support your friends that are struggling:

1. Adoption is very very expensive.  Some of us have spent tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments. For some of us, we have gone in to serious debt or spent our life savings or a huge part of it already.  Now some of you may be thinking, "Well, if you have a kid, that will be very expensive too" YES.  I know this  but getting pregnant naturally is A LOT less expensive.  and natural.  You are not getting stabbed poked and prodded and forcing what is supposed to come natural.  (ok. save that for another post) In fact, other than the money you might have spent on that vacation or those drinks, it was probably free. :)  I know kids cost money but it is very different to pay for a child's living expenses and save for a future for them, then to have to fork out another $10 or $20K to adopt a child.  I personally have paid for very "pregnancy friendly" health insurance for many years in hopes of getting pregnant. I wish health insurance would cover adoption, God knows it is a mental health issue, but it doesn't.

2. Adoption may not replace the desire to be pregnant and give birth to a child. There is something very real about the innate animal instinct to bear children. Not everyone has it, but for those of us that do and can't it's excruciatingly painful.  Having gone through the amazing roller coaster of pain and emotional stress of infertility treatments, some people are not ready to go through the emotional roller-coaster of adoption as well. For some people knowing that adoption is an option does not alleviate or replace the desire to have your own child.

3. Adoption to single parents. As a single woman, I have the hurdle of trying to adopt alone.  

• In a study undertaken by the Los Angeles Department of Adoptions, researchers found that single parents tended to have more difficulties in completing their adoptions. Thirty-nine percent had made three or more previous attempts to adopt, compared to only 18 percent among the couples.(Feigelman and Silverman, 1997) 

Now this statistic is a little old and progress has been made but I have done my research and it is still preferable for agencies to place young children with 2 parent families.  If you want to adopt a special needs child, or an older child, this option becomes more viable, but if you are looking to adopt a new born or infant, and have the experience of having a child from birth, the percentage drops significantly.  Also, adoption is another emotional roller-coaster. You have to be prepared to be picked over with a fine tooth comb. Important, YES! but still another thing that natural parents don't have to go through and may not understand.  I think some parents should have been scrutinized before allowing them to procreate but again, that is another blog post.

4. Life still goes on.  Adoption is a process and during the time that someone is trying to get pregnant and going through the hell of not being able to, life goes on. You try to build a life for yourself with the thought that you might never have a child.  I am going to speak for myself now and say that I built an organization in the time that I was trying to get pregnant. It grew just like a child would have grown and now if I was to become pregnant, I would have to change a lot of things that I am doing to grow Charity Wings. I am no longer married and would be raising a child on my own.  I WOULD ABSOLUTELY CHOOSE MOTHERHOOD OVER THIS LIFE.  But I also have committed myself to the people I serve through this organization and deciding to adopt is not a decision I would take lightly nor could I "just adopt" as many people tell me to do.

So why do I feel sad and why do I post about being infertile?

Because there are so many people out there suffering like I do.  Just because I am not ready to go the adoption route alone right now, does not mean I don't think about it every day.

And if I am being completely honest... 

Sometimes I feel like maybe,  just maybe,  I don't deserve to be a mother. And sometimes,  just sometimes,  I feel like people look at me and think that same thing. 

These thoughts are haunting and they come from a dark place inside me. I don't know them to be true but I have them all the same....

So if you hear of someone suffering from infertility.  Just hug them and say, "I'm sorry'. 

Adjusted and not destroyed.

Here it goes.

I gave myself an attitude adjustment. I strongly believe that happiness is a choice. When I am wallowing in my own shit it's my own doing. My mind is so strong. It can bring me to the deepest despair or the highest highs. So I am choosing happiness. I am forgiving myself because I refuse to be destroyed.

New attitude
New reality
New day

pretty on the outside, empty shell

I hate this part of the journey.
but I have lost something and I can never get it back.
I can't stop thinking of the child that I will never meet. That I have waited for and tried so hard to bring into this world.
I hate knowing that my body is at a stalemate with nature and that in the end I will rot in the ground and no part of me will remain on this earth.
I hate that the pain and anxiety rip through me and paralyze me to the point that I find myself standing with my arms wrapped around me.  I think holding "me" together?
I hate feeling like a judgmental bitch when I think I would be a better mother than....
I hate feeling like I deserve a child.
I hate that I want to alienate myself from people who have what I don't have.
That I have no patience for complaints because I am so sure that nothing could feel worse than being betrayed by your own body and not being able to ever escape from the thing causing you pain.

There is no remedy. There is no fix. The weakness of my heart disgusts me.

But most of all, I hate knowing that I can't stay in this place.  That I am not alone. That there are so many amazing people that care about me and want to hold me and let me cry for as long as it takes. because all of these things make me feel like a weak asshole.

All of these people pull me up and keep me from drowning when all I want is to drown.

I cringe as I click publish knowing that pity is not what I want at all. but it's fair to put it out in the universe for that one person that needs to read this.

"BETRAYED"

Art is my therapy.

I will fight you!

Yes, I only post when I am having profound moments in my life.

I have been fighting off depression lately and debating whether or not to post on my blog.  For some reason, putting it out there for the universe to see, judge, and analyze helps me.

So it's here.

If you know anyone who has fought the stressful/frustrating/devastating/hopeless/painful/gut wrenching battle of infertility or if you have fought this battle then you know that the depression comes and goes.  There are times in my life when I feel like I will be ok without ever having the experience of being a mother. Then there are times when I think I might die from the emptiness that I feel in my heart.  I struggle with the reason I exist if not to do what I am naturally supposed to do.

My body has betrayed me and I have no way to separate myself from the painful stab to my heart that it gives me every month when it reminds me that I am not a whole person.

Every month when I get my period I want to scream at the injustice and ridiculousness of it.  I hate myself for having a pity party ever when I know that I am truly so blessed and I have an amazing life that is so full of love and happiness that it is disgusting to every feel sorry for myself.

I am not looking for sympathy or for people to tell me how lucky I am and that I am a mother to many and that it might still happen and all those other things that are truly sweet and with good intentions but that honestly just don't change my feelings.


I am just putting this out in the universe so that people may understand me a little better, may be able to relate and know they are not alone if they are going through this too, and remind people that sometimes that twinkle in my eye is actually a tear burning to escape.